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View Full Version : Ex-girlfriend! How do women think about this?



**DONOTDELETE**
01-16-2003, 05:11 PM
I had a quite dear girlfriend who unfortunately lived very far away (500 km).
Because I still lived with my parents, I always paid her a visit only every weekend.

I got to know her in a completely different way as usually: We wrote many e-mails
before and found ourselves very kind to each other.

We then started to see each other and it was the greatest love for us both in our life.
Because I had to study for examinations, I couldn\'t go to see her for 6 weeks and we
only could make telephone calls - this should not have happened...

She then said that she cannot have a \"far away\"-relationship because she then permanently
would be physically missing me (my warmth) and the relation ended in a tragic discussion.

This has injured me very seriously until now. We had no more contact since then.
I know that she has loved me very much but didn\'t want that I move to her only because of her.

In two years I am free and independent and I could move to her.

Will there be a chance, after such a long time again, to make a new start?

Or would a woman rather say: No, it hasn\'t been supposed to be and there is no second chance ?
(Although we suit each other very well)

How should I behave?

She has offered me to maintain a \"good friendship\" but I am afraid that I then can never
have a relationship with her again - and I would die if I would see her with a new friend...

How shall I spend the two years? What will she do in the two years?
(She´s 28 now (time to get a secure relationship for women??? - I´m only 24
and not very experienced with women)

Shall I gain broader experience with women, what she wouldn\'t notice...
and sometime then appear again, and then try to start a \"new beginning\"
under better circumstances (without the large distance)?

Or should I go to her now and offer her a friendship?

Pheromones won´t help here, because they won´t change the fact that we
are separated by distance, which allows no spontaneous relationship.
I cannot have a relationship to her as long as I cannot move...

What would you do if you meet a man, love him, but because of unfavorable
circumstances get separated from him - knowing that he could come back
after quite a long time.

Would you abandon all feelings that you felt for him, and say: \"ok, there´s
no other way than to go on with my life like nothing has happenend?\"

I am also afraid that I come back and notice that she has a new friend.

I cannot express this very well, hope one can understand it?
Please give me a piece of advice...

But living two years like an \"eunuch\" and then noticing that she possibly
has seen things not that serious... That would be very bad...


Love is such a cruel thing sometimes...

Thanks for your time!

**DONOTDELETE**
01-16-2003, 05:18 PM
Gain experience. Every once in awhile, call her up (if you can do this -- you might have too many feelings to be able to) and be casually friendly. Or send her an email, even if it\'s just a joke with a note, like \"I saw this, laughed, and thought you might appreciate it.\" In other words, don\'t ask for anything at all. And in two years, see how you feel. And see what happens in the two years to you. I know it\'s hard to believe, but it\'s possible you could meet someone else and fall even harder in love. I can understand her decision because it\'s very painful to have strong feelings for someone you can\'t be with, especially if it\'s to the point that you can\'t sleep, can\'t eat, don\'t want to be around other people, etc. So for right now, the way you love her is to keep your distance.

I say keep hope, hold a good thought, and wait and see. Meanwhile enjoy your life as best you can, including the opposite sex.

seadove
01-16-2003, 10:30 PM
>>> But living two years like an \"eunuch\" <<<

I hope you don\'t mean \"eunuch\" as in \"eunuch\" because it has a different conception.

But if you don\'t mind an advice from a man, try to remember that you are only 24 which is the age of R&D(Research and Development). Try to Fulfill the process, otherwise you will regret it later on.
/ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif

**DONOTDELETE**
01-17-2003, 04:23 AM
Many thanks for your kind words!

It would be bad to start a discussion with her about this topic
because one would talk all feelings to death.

Kind small notes every now and then (e-mail) which indirectly point:
\"I still haven\'t forgotten you and I like you\" are still better.

Ok, then I will go on gaining experience...

Problem: Everywhere where I am, she is always with me - I cannot forget her.

I stood at the beginning of a new relationship with another girl and
always saw only my ex-girlfriend if I looked in the other girls eyes
but not exactly of course :-( I couldn´t return any love that I was
given.

\"Just\" having sex and kissing each other is the one thing, but without
honest feelings it´s not very much better than putting hands on yourself...


@seadove: Isn´t an \"eunuch\" someone who can´t have sex, or can´t allow
to have any libido (sexual desire)?


Au revoir et jusqu\' la prochaine fois! :-)

Bye and thank you!

Wolfe
01-17-2003, 05:02 AM
almost hate to chime in here, BUT at 28 she\'s got to be thinking about getting married and having kids, from her point(maybe) she\'s looking at being 30+ before the 2 of you can do that ,and that may bother her alot.(enough so that she wants to move in a diff direction as at that age the urge becomes very strong in a woman as she is at her sexaul peak )

**DONOTDELETE**
01-17-2003, 05:33 AM
She\'s at her reproductive peak, that\'s for sure, and it\'s true women have a window to worry about, and that\'s a real concern.

Horatio, I know about feeling someone\'s always present in the astral and you\'re never separated from them, and I don\'t know what to tell you except the cliche that time heals all. It will diminish but you know that it\'s going to take awhile. If you can\'t return feelings and sex is mechanical without them, then just do what you\'re comfortable with, even if it means no women for awhile. Understand that it\'s temporary and it will pass. A year or two or three in the span of a lifetime is not a long time, even as much as it feels like eternity while you\'re going through it.

Warm hug,
FTR

Elana
01-17-2003, 05:44 AM
I\'m so sorry that you have to go through such pain. It must be difficult to even hear what anyone is saying to you if it is not what you want to hear.

I just want to comment on your age. What you want at 24 years old will be completely different then what you want when you are 30. You have too much experimenting and learning to do. You should be enjoying yourself. I don\'t believe in soul mates, or that we have that one perfect person for us. Things tend to happen for a reason. If things don\'t work out with this woman, you will be so grateful when you do find the woman that you end up spending the rest of your life with.

For now, keep it light. As much as it hurts, you have to be opened for other opportunities.

**DONOTDELETE**
01-17-2003, 09:22 AM
Unfortunately, you are right...

I am in a hurry at the moment but I still wanted to give you one thing on the way:

I wouldn\'t have thought that there is a \"virtual\" place, where people are that
understandingly and friendly to each other as I have experienced this here.

I already READ in this forum for some time and I think all of you are wonderful
people!

Thank you a lot - I wish you a beautiful weekend (and many hits :-))!

Blackwidow_Woman
01-17-2003, 10:06 AM
FTR,(I can understand her decision because it\'s very painful to have strong feelings for someone you can\'t be with, especially if it\'s to the point that you can\'t sleep, can\'t eat, don\'t want to be around other people, etc. So for right now, the way you love her is to keep your distance.)

(I say keep hope, hold a good thought, and wait and see. Meanwhile enjoy your life as best you can, including the opposite sex.)
Im gona have to agree with you on this one FTR.. ive gone thru this and still am but i just go on no matter what and yes it really is painful to deal with but im not gona stop living because of this and am always gona have fun and be with other people till the day comes for that right person...BWW..

Wolfe
01-17-2003, 11:07 AM
time seems so much easier to understand when you\'re older though it seems /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

**DONOTDELETE**
01-17-2003, 11:07 AM
And it\'s really easy to comment when you\'re not the one in the situation. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

Watcher
01-18-2003, 01:02 PM
Let go and run amok with pheromones find youreself someone local.

SwingerMD
01-18-2003, 09:46 PM
Horatio,

I\'ve read over your situation and I see a lot of similarities with a relationship that I had about 2-3 years ago. She was going to Med school in TN and I was here in Seattle. We started writing and e-mailing each other before she left for med school and we continued while she was over there. We started to see each other more and more when she came back from vacation and then before we realized it we started to fall for each other (hard). About two years into the relationship, before she went back for her third year, I tried to talk to her about officially becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Due to a communication breakdown, it ended up being a discussion on us being physically too far apart. We both made the mistake of breaking things off. We kept on writing each other and started to realize that we had both made a mistake, but a few months later her letters stoped. She had found someone else over there /ubbthreads/images/icons/tongue.gif . This led to the most nastiest New Year\'s Eve breakup (and month of Dec.) that I have ever had. Even two years later it still hurts sometimes. /ubbthreads/images/icons/frown.gif

Keep those lines of communications open with her. Talk to her about being able to move closer to her in two years. It may seem long, but two years fly by really fast. Continue to see her and continue to build the relationship if you can. As for pheromones, you\'d be surprised how much they can help. She\'s missing your warmth? Leave an article of clothing, such as a sweater that you wear, to keep her company or anything else with your natural scent. You\'d be surprised how much that would help.

Best of luck to you in your situation.

seadove
01-19-2003, 12:59 AM
>>> @seadove: Isn´t an \"eunuch\" someone who can´t have sex, or can´t allow
to have any libido (sexual desire)? >>>

\"Eunuch\" of the 15th century :Had their things cut off so that they serve the court without interfering with the women.

\"Eunuch\" of today, the guy gets a knife job to be a transvestite.

Choose which one YOU\"RE talkin about.

/ubbthreads/images/icons/cool.gif/ubbthreads/images/icons/cool.gif/ubbthreads/images/icons/cool.gif

Wolfe
01-19-2003, 05:54 AM
knifes?..privates?..rather not talk about either in the same breath.

Elana
01-19-2003, 06:10 AM
Long distance relationships are so difficult. I had one with a man in Israel for two years. I was completely faithful to him. We talked about getting married as soon as he got out of the army. It was such a rollercoaster ride. When things were great they were so incredible, but when we fought, or realized how difficult this was going to be, I felt like my whole life was crumbling to pieces. When we finally broke up I was devastated. Today I am so thankful that it didn\'t work. I just regret wasting those two years. I turned down so many dates and events. I should have been having a great time, but I chose to ride the rollercoaster.

jose
01-19-2003, 07:24 AM
I hate to say this but you have to accept the possibility that she\'s found someone else. These things happen in long distance relationships, I guess you can still be friends and maybe years down the road you pickup where you left off. In the meantime date in your area, and believe me the pain will pass.

frenchie
01-20-2003, 09:05 AM
\"Gain experience. Every once in awhile, call her up (if you can do this -- you might have too many feelings to be able to) and be casually friendly. Or send her an email, even if it\'s just a joke with a note, like \"I saw this, laughed, and thought you might appreciate it.\" In other words, don\'t ask for anything at all. And in two years, see how you feel\"

That\'s a nice and sensitive answer, FulTilt ! :-)

Hope you\'re well
Frenchie

**DONOTDELETE**
01-20-2003, 09:20 AM
For a change, huh, Frenchie? /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif

frenchie
01-20-2003, 10:35 AM
FullTilt,
you know what ? I\'m still in love... I\'ve tried to meet other women, but I have to say there\'s something deep inside with her ! so I take some of what you wrote to Horatio for me...

:-)
Frenchie

CptKipling
01-20-2003, 02:14 PM
lol eunuch!

Sorry... /ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif

**DONOTDELETE**
01-20-2003, 03:38 PM
Ah, Frenchie. Love stinks, doesn\'t it?

Nose kiss,
ftr

Watcher
01-20-2003, 06:09 PM
Well we know that love stinks right FTR and elana

Goddess
01-20-2003, 06:51 PM
I agree with Elana - long distance relationships are difficult. I was once in one and had the stupidity to marry the guy. If we had been closer distance-wise, I would have realized we had zilch in common. As it was, when we got together we were everything the other wanted...then we were living together as a married couple and reality hit . It was hell - on both of us!

So maybe it\'s happening for a reason. I don\'t mean to be harsh but...get over it! Test the waters - you\'re young enough that I KNOW you haven\'t caught all the fish in the sea yet.

You sound like a pretty neat guy. And, the only way to get over her is to find someone else. Time heals all.

Watcher
01-20-2003, 08:51 PM
Exactly and from a male point of view the quickest way to recover is to mix with many women and even if just friends why in a recovery phase - use their interaction to reduce the importance of youre focus on this one ex-gf long distance relationship which is dead before it begins.
It will push youre focus to all things new. Use single women to get over youre past relationship.

Lucky
01-21-2003, 07:43 AM
Goddess,
You are hysterical! I agree with you....

Elana
01-21-2003, 02:23 PM
Wow Goddess. I\'d love to hear more of that story one day. How long did you two stay married?

**DONOTDELETE**
01-21-2003, 03:25 PM
Unfortunately, communication already broke down, because we haven´t heared
from each other since the final discussion.

Honestly: I am greatly afraid to speak with her! I don\'t want this because
I then could get \"bad news\". Of course the uncertainty on the other side
isn\'t feeling good either:
Whether she still loves me? Whether she misses me? And so on...

However for me it is a fact that one gets over the whole thing more
heavily if it´s concerning a \"far away\"-relationship:
One doesn\'t see that perhaps she has a new friend because she lives far away.
One´s hope isn´t destroyed immediately.

If I would be able to see her with somebody else every weekend, then I
perhaps would have accepted it now. There would be no more uncertainty BUT also no more hope.

=>To know nothing holds a certain hope -- the possibility to know everything can destroy your hope in 1 second!

What is better? ;-)

Isn\'t life actually very difficult to understand sometimes:
Two people meet, fall in love and then \"only\" because living too far away from each other,
they break up in tormenting pain. This is the biting irony of destiny anyway...

Thank you very much - I really appreciate your opinions and advice.

I´ll have to keep eyes open for other young and kind women - we will see if I find the
right \"fish in the water\" someday - it will be the luckiest day in my life!


Bye!

Lucky
01-21-2003, 04:49 PM
Horatio,
Listen, you don\'t want her if she isn\'t just dying to have you...I promise.
Let\'s say you think you can\'t live without her and want her back at any cost - your best strategy (IMO) might be to have her think that YOU have tons of stuff going on, stay in touch with her at an arm\'s length, and let her wish she could be with you.

Girls, don\'t jump on me for suggesting games to him - I really think that stuff is timeless.

**DONOTDELETE**
01-21-2003, 04:51 PM
Oh, no, I quite agree. You\'ve got to tug on that line a little every once in awhile to keep your fish hooked.

Elana
01-21-2003, 04:53 PM
<Isn\'t life actually very difficult to understand sometimes:
Two people meet, fall in love and then \"only\" because living too far away from each other,
they break up in tormenting pain. This is the biting irony of destiny anyway>

This is where you are wrong. If you two don\'t make it, it is not just because of the distance. Like Goddess said...she married her long distance boyfriend only to realize that they had nothing in common.

I thought I would die if I didn\'t end up with my Israeli soldier. Now I see how horrible my life would have been if I had married him. I\'m sure you feel like you know her more than you know yourself...that is simply not true. It takes years to really get to know someone.