View Full Version : Got Riddle, Poems, or Jokes!!!!!!!

10-12-2002, 06:42 PM
Since this Topic is for anything, go ahead and express your moments of the products and your funniest moments with them, or any Jokes, Riddle, or Poems, here I\'ll do one!

\"To The Man\"
Oh how I\'m longing for your touch,
For you are the man who protects my Croch,
Oh I feel so safe knowing your there,
Calling my name out in thee Air,
So how does it feel knowing The Family can hear,
That you are the one thats crying,
and very anxiously dying to see me,
While I am Falunting and Flaunting,
And struten while your Farten with Fear,
Now Hurry, Honey and get YOUR ASS OVER HERE!!!!!

By: Mamapunisha

10-12-2002, 06:43 PM
LOL ...

10-12-2002, 10:55 PM
inside i cry
i shout
i curse
but on the outside i smile
i laugh at your annoying silliness
i wear a mask
just like the one you wear
no, don\'t deny it
you know what i\'m talking about
you\'re just as fake as me
i realized that
and it hurts
but i don\'t show it
so while i may kiss you
and laugh and smile
on the inside
i cry

kind of low right now, but i\'m glad there\'s a poetry corner here to vent

10-13-2002, 07:22 PM


A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, \"It\'s a lot of money!\"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president\'s office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, \"$165,000!\" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, \"Ma\'am, I\'m surprised you\'re carrying so much cash around. \"Where did you get this money?\"

The old lady replied, \"I make bets.\" The president then asked, \"Bets? What kind of bets?\" The old woman said, \"Well, for example, I\'ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.\"

\"Ha!\" laughed the president, \"That\'s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!\" The old lady challenged, \"So, would you like to take my bet?\"

\"Sure,\" said the president, I\'ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!\"
The little old lady then said, \"Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?\" \"Sure!\" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president\'s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: \"$25,000 says the president\'s balls are square!\"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. \"Well, Okay,\" said the president, \"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.\"

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, \"What the hell\'s the matter with your lawyer?\" She replied, \"Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10:10 AM today, I\'d have the president of The Bank of Canada\'s balls in my hand.\"

HOPE YOUR DAY/NIGHT HAS YOU SMILING /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

10-14-2002, 11:41 AM

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), \"If you don\'t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!\" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, \"How much for a ride to the airport, \" he asked? \"Fifteen bucks\", came the reply. \"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?\" \"What?! Get the hell out of my cab.\" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked \"How much for a ride to the airport?\" The cabbie replied \"fifteen bucks.\" The businessman said \"ok\" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!

10-14-2002, 12:25 PM
Hugs, Pantero.

10-14-2002, 05:44 PM
Does anyone know the difference between Erotic, and Kinky?

ANSWER: Erotic is when you use the feather, and Kinky is when you use the whole chicken!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif /ubbthreads/images/icons/shocked.gif

10-14-2002, 05:56 PM
No, no, no, that\'s not it!

Erotic is the stuff that *I* do.

Kinky is that weird stuff *you* get into...

10-14-2002, 06:12 PM
Sorry FTR, but my feet are clean! /ubbthreads/images/icons/shocked.gif

10-14-2002, 06:19 PM
erotic is ANYTHING you do to turn them on

kinky is when something that isn\'t sexual in nature becomes erotic... such as stockings, carrots, handcuffs... etc.

although stockings are becoming more accepted, so they are becoming more erotic than kinky

10-14-2002, 06:27 PM
O.K.! O.K.! Does anyone know the difference between seduction and conversation? No? Females...Lay down, I want to talk to you! /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif

10-14-2002, 06:49 PM
Oh, man, I need to get out my notepad for all these new definitions!

10-15-2002, 10:36 AM

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
\"Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I\'ll be home before midnight.

-Your Husband\"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

\"Dear Husband, You too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don\'t wait up.\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

10-16-2002, 06:57 AM
A lady stopped unexpectedly by her recently married son\'s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. \"What are you doing?\" she asked. \"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,\" the daughter-in-law replied. \"Why are you naked?\" asked the mother-in-law. \"This is my love dress,\" the daughter-in-law replied. \"LOVE DRESS! You\'re naked,\" said the mother-in-law. \"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,\" said the daughter-in-law. \"He will be home any minute now, so perhaps you could stop by a little later?\" Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the \"LOVE DRESS\" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, his car drove up the driveway. Her husband opened the door, and immediately saw his naked wife. \"What are you doing?\" he asked. \"This is my love dress,\" she said, excitedly. \"Needs ironing.\" he replied.

10-16-2002, 06:58 AM

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane walked over to it, and began to move the penis around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady, she said, \"There really is no justice in the world.\"

The other little old lady asked, \"What do you mean by that?\"

The first little old lady replied,\" Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I\'m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I\'m too old to squat.\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

10-16-2002, 07:17 AM
King Arthur\'s Dilemma

Sit back and enjoy a fairy tale with a moral.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur\'s youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch\'s proposition to have an answer by year\'s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch -- only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he\'d have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry him.

Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. Finally, having no real choice, he agreed. Their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur\'s question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur\'s life would be spared.

And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Arthur and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. He was proper as always, gentle, and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The hour approached.

Arthur, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.

But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he\'d ever seen lay before him! The astounded Arthur asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she\'d appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Arthur pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Arthur chose follows below......but don\'t read until you\'ve made your own choice.


Noble Arthur replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

If your woman doesn\'t get her own way, things are going to get ugly!

10-16-2002, 07:24 AM
The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. \"I\'ve got a difficult decision\" the VP says, \"I either have to lay you or Jack off.\" \"Oh, jack-off\" Mary says, \"I\'ve got a headache.\"

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can\'t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. \"Honey,\" she signs, \"Why don\'t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don\'t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.\" The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, \"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don\'t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...fifty times\"
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a
turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put \"Happy Thanksgiving\" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with \"Merry Christmas\" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, \"If you don\'t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?\" She says, \"I\'m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there\'s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!\"

One day while driving with my then 4 year old daughter Melanie, I beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at me for an explanation. I said, \"I did that by accident.\" She replied, \"I know that daddy.\" I replied, \"How\'d you know?\" Melanie said, \"Because you didn\'t say \'[censored]\' afterwards!\"

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day: The first worm in alcohol - dead Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead Third worm in sperm - dead Fourth worm in soil - alive Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won\'t get worms.

The angry wife met her husband at the door. She could smell of alcohol on his breath and see the lipstick on his collar. \"I assume,\" she snarled, \"there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o\'clock in the morning?\" \"There is,\" he replied. \"Breakfast.\"

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. \"Doctor, the hormones you\'ve been giving me have really helped, but I\'m afraid that you\'re giving me too much. I\'ve started growing hair in places that I\'ve never grown hair before.\" The doctor reassured her. \"A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?\" \"On my balls.\"

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, \"Hey that\'s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?\" The other old lady said, \"It\'s a condom.\" \"A condom? Where do you get those?\" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms. He asked her, \"What size do you want?\" The old lady thought for a minute and said, \"One that will fit a Camel.\"

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.
She asked, \"Do you have Viagra?\"
\"Yes,\" the pharmacist answered.
She asked, \"Does it work?\"
\"Yes,\" he answered.
\"Can you get it over the counter?\" she asked.
\"I can if I take two!\"

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. \"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I\'m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.\" The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver\'s seat looking out the window. \"Why aren\'t we going anywhere?\" asked the girl. \"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I\'m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25...\"

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, \"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.\" The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, \"I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.\" The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, \"I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.\" The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

Don was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Brown Bear in the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to see a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, \"Don, you\'ve got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex.\" Don decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks Don soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing right next to him. The Grizzly said, \"That was a huge mistake Don. You\'ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex.\" Again, Don thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Don turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there. The Polar Bear said, \"Admit it Don, you don\'t really come here for the hunting, do you?\"

This past fall semester, at Yale University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final, they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Harvard and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn\'t make it back to New Haven until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find the professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to Cambridge for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn\'t have a spare and couldn\'t get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. The prof thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the prof had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. \"Cool\" they thought, \"this is going to be easy.\" They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: \'(95 points) Which tire?\'

Bob and Rex are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous brunette comes in and sits down next to Bob. \"Tickle your ass with a feather?\" he says to her. She responds, \"Beg your pardon?\" Bob then says, as if repeating himself, \"Particularly nasty weather.\" \"Oh, the brunette replies, I must have misunderstood you.\" She finishes her drink and leaves. About five minutes later a really hot blonde walks in and sits next to Bob. Once again Bob says, \"Tickle your ass with a feather?\" Smiling, the blonde says, \"Yeah!\" So Bob and the blonde leave. Two hours later, Bob comes back to the bar and there still sits Rex just where Bob had left him. By this time Rex is three sheets to the wind. Rex says to Bob, \"tell me how you do it. How do you get these women to leave with you?\" Bob explains that he uses the same line on every woman. \"All you do is say tickle your ass with a feather.\" \"If they smile or say yes, you\'re home free.\" He goes on, \"But if they\'re shocked, you say particularly nasty weather.\" Rex is now eager to try this approach. Soon a redhead walks in and sits down next to him. \"Stick a feather up your ass?\" he says to her. Shocked, she angrily responds, \"EXCUSE ME?\" Rex says, \"Sorry, it\'s f*cking raining out.\"

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune- teller\'s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. \"Ah.....\" said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. \"I see you are the father of two children.\" \"That\'s what you think,\" said the man scornfully. \"I\'m the father of THREE children.\" The woman grinned and said, \"That\'s what YOU think.\"

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: \"For Women Only\". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. \"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It\'s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what\'s inside.\" So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: \"All the men here have it short and thin.\" The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: \"All the men here have it long and thin.\" Still, this isn\'t good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: \"All the men here have it short and thick.\" They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: \"All the men here have it long and thick.\" The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: \"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.\"

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. \"It\'s certainly not a ship,\" he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, \"How long has it been since you\'ve had a cigarette?\" \"Ten years!\" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, \"Man, oh man!\" \"Is that ever good!\" She then asks him, \"How long has it been since you\'ve had a sip of bourbon?\" Trembling, he replies, \"Ten Years!\" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, \"Wow, that\'s absolutely fantastic!\" Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, \"And how long has it been since you\'ve played around?\" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, \"Oh sweet Lord God!\" \"Don\'t tell me you\'ve got golf clubs in there!\"

...and thats enough for today children.

10-16-2002, 07:27 AM
The name of that one should have been \"Men\'s Dilemma\" It\'s so truuuuue! It\'s soooo truuuuue!! It\'s been like that for ages! Eve started this crap!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif

10-16-2002, 09:31 AM
Well, don\'t look at me. I\'m a daughter of Lillith, not of Eve. /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

Bet you can relate to this one - I sure can ...

Every \"Hormone Hostage\" knows that there are days in the month when all a
man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver\'s license in the
wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or male child.

DANGEROUS: What\'s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here\'s fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn\'t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I\'ve always loved you in that robe.

Top 10 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Pack My Stuff
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid Section
5 People Make Me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Plainly; Men Suck
10 Please; More Salt

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
don\'t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for
THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they
wouldn\'t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they\'ve been
in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle
of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on
to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

I\'m sorry.... What did you ask me?

10-16-2002, 11:29 AM
So there is truth somewhere deep inside you /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif All you\'ve said is....It\'s \"tuff\" being a man /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif

10-16-2002, 11:48 AM
Oh, that\'s right, I forgot. It\'s all about YOU. lol

Yes, dear, so tough for you, sweetie. There, there.

10-16-2002, 08:22 PM
Hey, I have a Forum Site that I have the same \"Topic\" and I have a poll question on there feel free to observe it, and take a vote on the Riddle, and feel free to express the same you\'ve done on this \"Topic\" too!!!!!!

Just can\'t get enough laughes, and it really makes a person day just reading each one, and add-in the funniest moments that ever happened too you!!!!!!!

Forum Site: Daimondrocks.suddenlaunch2.com

10-17-2002, 03:38 AM
Dear Abby,

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.

My fiancee\'s mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said
that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...:

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.

He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee\' what her parents did, and that I thought their \"little test\" was asinine and insulting to my character?


Should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

10-17-2002, 07:49 AM
That was cool Proteus!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif


Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church.

The priest said, \"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.\" The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, \"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?\"

The old man replied, \"No problem at all, Priest.\" \"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!\" said the priest. The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, \"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?\"

The middle-aged man replied, \"The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it.\" \"Congratulations! Welcome to the church,\" said the priest.

The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, \"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?\" \"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,\" the young man replied sadly.

\"What happened?\" inquired the priest. \"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it\" said the young man. \"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.\"

\"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church\" stated the priest.

\"We know,\" said the young man. \"We\'re not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either.\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif

10-18-2002, 06:32 AM

It was mailman George\'s last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he\'d had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup\'s bottom edge.

\"All this is just too wonderful for words,\" he said, \"but what\'s the dollar for?\"

\"Well,\" she said, \"last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, \"Screw him! Give him a dollar!\'\"

\"Breakfast was my idea.\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif /ubbthreads/images/icons/shocked.gif Tater!!!

10-20-2002, 05:10 PM
When driving home lateone night a man approaches a stop sign at an intersection on a road in the middle of nowhere, so instead of stopping he decides to slow down to about 10 just in case, and then zip on through the intersection. Well today there is another car, it\'s a police car.
He gets the usual \"lic. and reg.\" questions and the officer tells him he\'s getting a ticket for a rolling stop. THe man argues and says that\'s ridiculous as he slowed enough to verify the intersection was clear and proceeded, so it\'s essentially the same thing. The officer objects, saying that it is not the same thing.
After a heated philosophical debate about road safety, and the fact that the cop has had just about enough of this civvie she asks him to step out of the car and proceeds to beat the living s*** out of him.
She then asks the poor guy whether he wants her to stop the beating or merely slow down.

Told to me by an 8 year old......

10-20-2002, 06:32 PM
ifrwizard! where you been, nice to see you?

good joke.

10-21-2002, 07:56 AM
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, \"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What\'s the matter with you?\"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, \"I don\'t care. I just came from having a mammography and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.\"

The husband said, \"What did he say about your 55 year old ass?\"

\"Oh, honey, your name never even came up,\" she replied.

10-22-2002, 12:56 PM

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, \"Hey, Dave, how ya doing?\"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he\'s been to this club before. \"Oh no,\" says Dave. \"He\'s on my bowling team.\"

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he\'d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, \"You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser\".

\"No, honey, she\'s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.\"

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. \"Hi Davey,\" she says, \"Want your usual table dance?\"

Dave\'s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, \"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

10-23-2002, 10:21 AM
Subject: Homilies of the Day

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won\'t bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can\'t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, \"Well, that\'s not going to happen.\"

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they\'re a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60\'s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you\'re two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let\'s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

10-24-2002, 06:45 AM

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home, he went up to his dad and ask him what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, \'\'Look at it this way son: I\'m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future.\'\'

\'\'I still don\'t get it\'\' responded the Little Johnny.\'\' Why don\'t you sleep on it then? Maybe you\'ll understand it better,\'\' said the dad.

\'\'Okay then...good night\'\' said Little Jonny, and he went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother\'s crying. He went to his baby brother\'s crib, and found that his baby brother had taken a dump in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent\'s room to get help. When he got to his parent\'s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn\'t there. So he went to the maid\'s room. When he looked through the maid\'s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with the maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, \'\'OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of [censored]!\'\'

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

10-26-2002, 09:18 PM

One night there was these two drunks, and they were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, \"Hey, I\'ve got an idea - we put our money together and buy a sausage.\" The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, \"What the hell!? I\'m not hungry! I don\'t want a sausage, I want a damn drink!\"

The first drunk says, \"I know!! We buy the sausage, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us to pay our tab, you drop to your knees and and start sucking on the sausage like you\'re blowing me - and the bartender will throw us out and we won\'t have to pay for anything!\"

The second drunk says, \"Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me. What the hell! I need a drink!!\"

So they buy the sausage and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, and order two whiskeys. After about an hour and 10 drinks between them, the bartender tells them to pay up, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the sausage. The bartender throws them out and yells, \"don\'t you homos ever come back here again!!\".

After about 15 bars, the second drunk says, \"Hey man!!! We\'ve got to switch places \'cause my knees are killing me from dropping to the floor.\"

The first drunk says, \"That\'s a damn good idea cause I\'m sore as hell!\"

The second drunk ask, \"What! Your fingers sore from pulling down your zipper!?\"

The first drunk replies, \"No...I lost the sausage after the second bar!\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

10-29-2002, 09:29 PM

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy, \"How have things been going?\"

The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y tells the first guy, \"I....w..a..s....a..l..m..o..s..t....m..a..r..r..i. .e..d.\"

The first guy says in amazement, \"Hey! you don\'t stutter any more.\"

The answer comes, \" Y..e..s,....I....w..e..n..t....t..o....a.... d..o..c..t..o..r....a..n..d....h..e....t..o..l..d. ...m..e....t..h..a..t....i..f....I....s..p..e..a.. k....s..l..o..w..l..y....I....w..i..l..l....n..o.. t.... s..t..u..t..t..e..r.

\"The first friend congratulates him, and than asks again about how he was almost married.\"

W..e..l..l....m..y....f..i..a..n..c..e..e....a..n. .d....I....w..e..r..e.... s..i...t..t..i..n..g....o..n....h..e..r....p..o..r ..c..h....a..n..d.... t..h..e....d..o..g....w..a..s....s..c..r..a..t..c. .h..i..n..g....h..i..s.... b..a..c..k....a..n..d....I....t..o..l..d....h..e.. r....t..h..a..t.... w..h..e..n....w..e....a..r..e....m..a..r..r..i..e. .d....s..h..e.... c..a..n....d..o....t..h..a..t....f..o..r....m..e.. ..a..n..d ....s..h..e.... t..h..r..e..w....t..h..e....r..i..n..g....i..n.... m..y....f..a..c..e.\"

\"Why in the hell would she throw the ring in your face for saying something like that?\" asks the first friend.\"

W..e..l..l....I....s..p..e..a..k....s..o....s..l.. o..w..l..y,.... t..h..a..t....b..y....t..h..e....t..i..m..e....s.. h..e.... l..o..o..k..e..d....a..t....t..h..e....d..o..g,... .h..e....w..a..s.... l..i..c..k..i..n..g....h..i..s....b..a..b..a..l..l ..s.\"


10-31-2002, 09:33 AM
Happy Halloween!

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won\'t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, \"I have a question to ask you but I don\'t want to offend you.\" She answers: \"My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you\'re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I\'m sure that there\'s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.\" \"Well, I\'ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.\" She responds, \"Well, let\'s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic.\" The cab driver is very excited and says, \"Yes, I am single and I\'m Catholic too!\" The nun says, \"OK, pull into the next alley.\" He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. \"My dear child.\" said the nun, \"Why are you crying?\" \"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I\'m married and a I\'m a Baptist.\" The nun says, \"That\'s OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin.\"

10-31-2002, 10:18 AM
HAPPY BOO DAY ALL!!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif


A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, \"What the hell, I\'ll try it.\"

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn\'t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway . He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to choke his chicken. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut, continued to choke his chicken, and replied, \"What!!?\"

He heard the voice say, \"This is the police. What the hell is going on down there Sir!?\"

The man replied, \"I\'m checking out the rear axle if you don\'t mind, it\'s busted!\"

The police replied, \"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you\'re down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago Mister!!\"


10-31-2002, 10:26 AM

Happy Halloween!

11-02-2002, 07:21 AM

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him, \"Welcome my child! You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They\'ll go to heaven and you\'ll take over until somebody decides they want to switch with you. So go on my son, pick a room.\"

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a gorgeous naked woman.

The man with one the biggest smiles you ever seen, says, \"I choose this room! Oh yeah!! If I could go back to earth, I\'d kick my parents ass for lying to me about how bad boys go to hell, and never get to have any fun! Hell\'s not that bad!!!\"

\"Very well,\" the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

\"You can go now. I\'ve found you\'re replacement.\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif Tater!!!

11-03-2002, 04:11 PM

A blonde went into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed, \"But I don\'t have any money, and I\'d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.\"

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). \"Anything?\" he asked.

\"Yes, yes, anything!\" the blonde promised.

\"Well, then, just follow me,\" said the man, as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. \"Come in and close the door\", the man said. She did.

He then said, \"Now get on your knees.\" She did.

\"Now take down my zipper.\" She did.

\"Now go ahead ... take it out ...\" he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, \"Well .... go ahead.\"

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it. While holding it close to her lips, she tentatively said, \"Hello!!, mom can you hear me?\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!

11-04-2002, 08:29 AM

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun, \"Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis??\"

The nun giggles and replies, \"Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.\" St Peter says, \"OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.\"

St Peter asks the next nun the same question, \"Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?\"

The nun is a little reluctant but reply\'s, \"Well I once fondled and stroked one.\"

St Peter says, \"OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.\"

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion from the back of the line of nuns. One nun is talking and pushing her way to the front of the line. When she finally reaches the front of the line St Peter says, \"Sister! Sister! What seems to be the your major rush!!??\"

The nun reply\'s, \"If I\'m going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!!!

11-04-2002, 10:26 AM
A lawyer awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. \"Why are all the blinds closed?\" he asked the doctor.

\"Well,\" the surgeon responded, \"They\'re fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn\'t want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure.\"

11-04-2002, 04:26 PM
http://www.ratedtoons.com/flash/Interorgasm.swf (\"http://www.ratedtoons.com/flash/Interorgasm.swf\")

ORGASMS around the world!

11-05-2002, 11:45 AM

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, \"Well son, those are condoms and they\'re for protection when you\'re having sex.\"

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, \"Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.\"

The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, \"Why six?\"

The dad replies, \"Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.\"

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.

The dad replies, \"Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March....\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!

11-06-2002, 08:24 PM
Q: What\'s the bird of peace?
A: The dove

Q: What\'s the bird of death?
A: The raven

Q: What\'s the bird of love?
A: The swallow

11-07-2002, 08:28 AM
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: \"What\'s up with the jar?\"

Bartender: \"Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.\"

Man: \"What are the three tests?\"

Bartender: \"Pay first. Those are the rules.\"

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.

Bartender: \"OK, here\'s what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can\'t make a face while doing it. Second, there\'s a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who\'s never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.\"

Man: \"Well, I know I\'ve paid my ten bucks but I\'m not an idiot; I won\'t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get even crazier from there.\"

Bartender: \"Your call. But your money stays in the jar.\"

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, \"Heyyyy fat boooy! Wherez zat dammm teeqeelah!? Dat monezzzzzzzz mine tanight! Ain\'t no bout adoubt it!!\"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn\'t make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear the dog barking and the man screaming, the dog growling and yelping, and growling and yelping, then eventually silence.

Just when they thought the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped, bite marks, and big scratches all over his body.

\"NOW,\" he says, \"Where\'s that woman with the sore tooth?

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!

11-16-2002, 07:13 AM
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don\'t have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife\'s face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

11-16-2002, 07:14 AM
Actual \'Dear God\' Letters From Children

Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don\'t You just keep the ones you have now? Jane

Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil

Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

Dear God, If we come back as something, please don\'t let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Denise

Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam

Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth

Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I\'m not praying. Elliott

Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Nan

Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob

Dear God, My brother told me about being born, but it doesn\'t sound right.

Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I\'ll show you my new shoes. Mickey

Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Charles

Dear God, I didn\'t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry

11-16-2002, 07:14 AM
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What do I do if one of my active files becomes corrupted?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What\'s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don\'t shake it.

11-16-2002, 07:16 AM
\"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident\"

LMAO /ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif Those are so funny

11-16-2002, 07:16 AM
Actual T-Shirt Slogans

\"Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up\"
\"That\'s It! I\'m Calling Grandma!\" (seen on an 8 year old)

\"Procrastinate Now.\"

\"Rehab Is for Quitters.\"

\"My Dog Can Lick Anyone.\"

\"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?\"

\"Party - My Crib - Two A.M.\" (on a baby-size shirt)

\"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I\'ve Been Doing Since I Was 15.\"

\"West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names.\"


\"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!\"

\"They call it \'PMS\' because \'Mad Cow Disease\' was already taken.\"

\"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.\"

\"Time\'s fun when you\'re having flies.......Kermit the Frog.\"

\"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN-Cops have nothing to go on.\"

\"Heck Is Where People Go Who Don\'t Believe In Gosh.\"

\"The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we\'re through with it.\"

\"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.\"

\"HAM AND EGGS - A day\'s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.\"

\"The trouble with life is there\'s no background music.\"

\"If There Is No God, Who Pops Up The Next Kleenex?\"

\"Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!\"

\"NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.\"

\"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.\"

\"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn\'t.\"

11-16-2002, 07:45 AM
just one more for now /ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif

Various Newspaper Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn\'t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Sex Education Delayed; Teachers Request Training

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

11-16-2002, 10:11 AM
okok I couldn\'t keep that one to myself:

Funny Signs

Plumber: \"We repair what your husband fixed.\"
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: \"Invite us to your next blowout.\"

Sign at the psychic\'s hotline: \"Don\'t call us, we\'ll call you.\"

At a towing company: \"We don\'t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.\"

Billboard on the side of the road: \"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.\"

In a nonsmoking area: \"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.\"

On maternity room door: \"Push, Push, Push.\"

At an optometrists office \"If you don\'t see what your looking for you\'ve come to the right place.\"

On a taxidermist\'s window: \"We really know our stuff.\"

In a foot doctors office: \"Time wounds all heels.\"

On a Butchers window: \"Let me meat your needs.\"

On a fence: \"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive.\"

At a car dealership: \"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.\"

Outside a muffler shop: \"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.\"

Outside a hotel: \"Help! We need inn-experienced people.\"

On a desk in a reception room: \"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left.\"

In a veterinarians waiting room: \"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!\"

On the door of a computer store: \"Out for a quick byte.\"

In a restaurant window: \"Don\'t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.\"

Inside a bowling alley: \"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.\"

In the front yard of a funeral home: \"Drive carefully, we\'ll wait.\"

In a counselors office: \"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

11-19-2002, 07:32 PM

A young man joined the Special Forces and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally had to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.
\"So, did you jump?\" the father asked. \"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the \'plane!\"

\"Is that when you jumped?\" asked the father.
\"Um, er, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and threw them out the door.\"
\"Did you jump then?\" asked the father.

\"I\'m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the \'plane or he\'d kick my ass.\"
\"So, did you jump?\"

\"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door with my GI Joe Kunfu grip, and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17 stones. He said to me, \'Boy!, are you going to jump or not!!?\' I said, \'No Sir. I\'m too scared!\' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear!, it was about ten or twelve inches long! He said, \'Boy!, either you jump out of that door, or I\'m sticking this up your pooter!\' \"

\"So, did you jump?\" asked the father.

\"Well, I jumped a little, at first.\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif Tater!!!

11-19-2002, 08:43 PM
A man is walking along when all of a sudden God appears to him.
God says to the man \"you are a good and righteous man, I will give you one wish - you can have whatever you want\"
The man replies \"well God, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I\'m too afraid to fly, and I can\'t stand being at sea\"
\"God could you make a bridge from california to Waikiki\"? He asks.
God replies \"Do you have any idea how much steel and concrete that would require?!?! It\'s nearly impossible, please choose another wish\"
The man thinks about it and says \"God - I\'ve never been able to understand women; how to make them happy, what makes them tick... if you give me the ability to understand women that would be as good as a bridge to Hawaii\"
God replies \"so was that a four lane bridge or a six lane bridge?\"

- Anonymous ol\' salty sea captain down on the wharf.

11-21-2002, 08:30 AM

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father Poker says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not thinking or bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he steps to the side, stands against the wall, and freezes like he\'s a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. \"Oh look,\" says the first nun...\"It\'s a soap dispenser, but how on earth did they make it so that it would hardend from touch?\" To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his tool...and sure enough he drops the other bar of soap, and his noodle saluted proudly, as if someone had played the national athem. The third nun, blushing, curious, and feeling devilish, decides to have a go. She pulls once, twice, three times, and then four, but nothing happens. \"Look at it!\" she says, while blushing, \"It\'s so hard!!\"

Amazed and turned on from the sight, she tries once more, and to her delight, she yells...\"Oh look!! Hand lotion!\" /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif Tater!!

11-22-2002, 08:09 AM

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow\'s final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student\'s immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, \"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?\"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When order is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, \"In your case Mister All That!!, you\'ll have to show up anyway -- you\'ll just have to figure out how to write with your OTHER hand.\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif Tater!!!

11-23-2002, 10:04 AM

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks, \"can you handle it?\" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss\'s positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.

She asks, \"How much for the white dildo?\" He answers, \"$35.\"

She: \"How much for the black one?\" He: \"$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.\"

She: \"I think I\'ll take the black one. I\'ve never had a black one before.\" She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks \"How much for the black dildo?\" He: \"$35.\"

She: \"How much for the white one?\" He: \"$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.\"

She: \"Hmmm...I think I\'ll take the white one. I\'ve never had a white one before.\" She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, \"How much are your dildos?\" He: \"$35 for the white, $35 for the black.\"

She: \"Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?\" He: \"Well, that\'s a very special dildo...it\'ll cost you $165.\"

She thinks for a moment and answers, \"I\'ll take the plaid one, I\'ve never had a plaid one before.\" She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy\'s boss returns and asks, \"How did you do while I was gone?\" To which the salesman responded, \"I did really good, I sold one white dildo, and one black dildo for an input of $70. But then I sold your thermos for $165!\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif Tater!!!

11-24-2002, 05:08 PM

Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn\'t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Johnny is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Johnny got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: \"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?\"

Little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head \"No\".

\"Well then\", she replies, \"was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?\".

Little Johnny looks at her and says, \"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren\'t fooling around.\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAD YOU SMILING!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif Tater!!!

11-25-2002, 08:25 AM

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat smack on his face.

\"Maybe all I need is some damn fresh air,\" thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

\"What the!!? Screw it!!,\" he thought. \"I\'ll just crawl my ass on home!!\"

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep, and snoring loudly.

She kicks him, and screams, \"You went out drinking last night, didn\'t you!!? You idiot!!\"

\"Uh, um, er, yes,\" he said sheepishly. \"How did you know that my darling?\"

\"You left your damn wheelchair at the bar again!!!\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif Tater!!!

11-25-2002, 11:14 AM
These are Great!!!

11-26-2002, 07:18 AM

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn\'t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he\'d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, \'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.\'

The priest asks, \'What did you do?\'

The woman says, \'I committed adultery.\'

The priest says, \'How many times?\'

And the woman replies, \'Three.\'

Priest: \'Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.\'

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, \'Father forgive me for I have sinned.\'

\'What did you do?\'

‘I committed adultery.\'

\'How many times?\'

\'Three times.\'

The priest says, \'Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.\'

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he\'s got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, \'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.\'

The rabbi says, \'What did you do?\'

The woman replies, \'I committed adultery.\'

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, \'How many times?\'

The woman replies, \'Once.\'

The rabbi said, \'Go and do it two more times, say two Hail Mary’s, and then sin no more. We have a special this week, three for $5.\'

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING....ANNNNND GET SOME SUNSHINE ON YOUR FACE!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif Tater!!!

11-26-2002, 03:19 PM
A Woman\'s Facts About Men

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They\'ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they\'re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear \"We need to talk about our relationship.\" These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I\'ve never seen a man walk into a party and say, \"Oh, my God, I\'m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There\'s another man wearing a black tuxedo.\"

14. Most men hate to shop. That\'s why the men\'s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. If you\'re dating a man who you think might be \"Mr. Right,\" and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: \"Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?\" Most men are out-trospective: \"Did my team win? How\'s my car?\"

22. If a man says, \"I\'ll call you,\" and he doesn\'t, he didn\'t forget… he didn\'t lose your number… he didn\'t die. He just didn\'t want to call you.

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. \"Get out\" and \"I never want to see you again\" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, \"I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.\" Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause—you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

27. That\'s why men need instant replays in sports. They\'ve already forgotten what happened.

11-26-2002, 03:46 PM
That\'s so good! But ... I\'m confused ... why is it in the joke section?

11-26-2002, 06:24 PM
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

Egad, the first time I saw an eyelash curler, I was convinced it had to be part of some secret feminine estrogen ritual, and that I probably didn\'t want to know what it was actually used for. That is one *confusing* piece of engineering!

Just so that all of the women can never say that I\'m not a good sport, and that I don\'t have at least a residual sense of humor, I will now confess to the world what my fevered 13- year-old brain concluded the apparatus must be for: the INSERTION and REMOVAL of TAMPONS! Yes, obviously! What else could it be used for? And wouldn\'t women have to have *some* means for handling those...things?

Many years of therapy later, I happened upon a girlfriend not quite ready for a date, who invited me into her bathroom during her last moments of preparation before going out. There on the sink, casually set down for anyone to see, was the apparatus, mocking my male psyche.

Possessed of a modicum of tact, I of course pretended not to notice. Until she picked it up and aimed it toward an eye -- my gawd, what was she doing!! I stood rooted, paralyzed, unable to move (yes, all three). With a horrible fascination normally reserved for those rare occasions when cars run over toads, I couldn\'t help but watch as she calmly positioned and operated the mechanism. And then curled the lashes of her other eye, smiled prettily, and led the way out of her house.

Probably 5 minutes passed before I could speak coherently. She had no idea why, of course, and simply accepted my temporarily garbled intelligence as some inexplicable masculine weirdness, which is one of the reasons women make such great company.

The APA has a whole chapter on me in the DSM-IV, under [i]apparitiphobia.

11-27-2002, 08:29 AM
For all the Chemists:

<font color=red>Hazardous Materials Data Sheet:</font color=red>

Element: Woman
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55Kg, but known to vary from 45Kg to 225Kg

Physical Properties
1. Body surface usually covered with film of powder and paint
2. Boils at absolutely nothing - freezes for no aparent reason
3. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore

Chemical Properties
1. Reacts well to gold, platinum, and all precious stones
2. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning
3. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common Use
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can greatly aid relaxation
3. Can be very effective cleaning agent

1. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen
2. Possesion of more than one is possible but specimens must never make eye contact.

<font color=blue>Have a good holiday folks.</font color=blue>

11-27-2002, 08:46 AM

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. \"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don\'t say a word,\" She tells him, \"Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven\'t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.\"

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeated performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier than a punk in prison. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing Steve grabbing the Vaseline, her father figured he was next, so he quickly backs away from the table and screams, \"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY!! I\'LL DO THE F#CKING DISHES!!!\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!!

11-27-2002, 10:40 AM
Mobes, you ain\'t right lol.

\"a little happier than a punk in prison\" /ubbthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif !!

11-28-2002, 07:39 AM

A lady approaches her priest and says, \"Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.\"

\"What do they say?\" the priest inquires.

\"They only know how to say, \'Hi, we\'re prostitutes. Want to have some real fun baby?\'\"

\"That\'s terrible,\" the priest exclaims, \"but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.\"

\"Thank you!\" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest\'s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, \"Hi, we\'re prostitutes, want to have some real fun baby?\"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, \"Put the beads away my friend, it\'s party time!!
Our prayers have finally been answered!!!\"

HAVE A HAPPY TURKEY DAY, AND I HOPE YOUR PIECE OF TURKEY HAS YOU SMILING!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif Tater!!!!

11-29-2002, 07:51 AM


A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, \"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?\" The husband just looked at his wife and said, \"What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, \"Honey, the car won\'t start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?\"

\"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?\" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it\'s raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he\'s walking through the door. \"Honey, there\'s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?\"

He just looked at her and said \"What do I look like, Bob Vila?\" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn\'t leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, \"Honey, how come there aren\'t any more leaks, and the car\'s running?\"

She replied nonchalantly, \"Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.\" \"Wow, did he charge us anything?\" asked the husband. \"No, he just said that he\'d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had some serious sex with him\" she said.

\"Cool!! What kind of cake did you make?\" asked the husband. \"Cake!!? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Damn Crocker!!!!?

HOPE YOUR AFTER TURKEY DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!!

COWBOYS 27 DEAD-SKINS 20 /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif YEEEEEHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12-02-2002, 01:27 PM

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he\'d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo\'s, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

\"Well, I don\'t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don\'t know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except...\" and he stopped.

\"Except what?\" the man asked.

\"Nothing, nothing.\"

\"C\'mon, tell me! I need something!\"

\"Well, sir, I don\'t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo penis.\"

\"So what\'s up with this Voodoo Penis?\" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said \"Woopi damn do! Big damn deal! It looks like every other dildo in this shop!\"

The old man replied, \"But you haven\'t seen what it\'ll do yet.\"

He pointed to a door and said \"Voodoo Penis, the door.\" The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said \"Voodoo Penis, return to box!\" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

\"I\'ll take it!\" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn\'t for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say \"Voodoo Penis, my crotch.\"

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he\'d been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said, \"Voodoo Penis, my crotch!\" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping, and pounding, and pumpin and pounding!!

It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she\'d ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she\'d had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting and pounding. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she\'d had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, \"Ahhhhhh! Oooooh! I haven\'t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I\'ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck inside of me, and it won\'t stop screwing me!\"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, \"Yeah, right...Voodoo Penis, my ass!\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!

12-02-2002, 10:32 PM
Mobley - you\'re a crack.

(NO! not a crackhead! jeez do we have to go through this every time?)

12-03-2002, 09:09 AM
Crack, or crackhead!!!? /ubbthreads/images/icons/shocked.gif Yes we do!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif Tater!!!

12-03-2002, 09:35 AM

Four Cajuns were sitting around a campfire near the Atchafalaya Basin. They were \"philosophizing\" on what was the fastest thing in the world.

Boudreaux said, \"I tink de fassest ting in the werld is a \'tought\', because before you ken tink of it it\'s already tought.\"

Thibodeaux said, \"No, the fassest ting in the werld is a \'blink\' because before you ken tink about it you dun blunk already.\"

Alfonse said, \"No, the fassest ting in the werld is lectricity because when you turn dat light switch on de lectricity travels fass-fass and the lights come on before you know it.\"

T-Boy said, \"Ya\'ll all wrongg, the fassest ting in the werld is diarrhea!!\" Everyone asked, \"Diarrhea!!?\" T-Boy said, \"Yea, lass nite before I could tink, blink, or turn on de lights, I don sh*t me pants!!!\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!!

12-04-2002, 08:53 AM
\"SKID MARKS!!!!\"

A wife was getting pretty upset about her husband\'s lack of attention lately, and decided to come on a little stronger to him.

After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless night-gown backwards so her breast were showing, and sauntered into the living room.

\"Notice anything darling?\" she asked slyly.

\"Yes honey, you\'ve got your night-gown on backwards\" her husband answered simply.

\"How could you tell sweetie?\" she cooed.

\"Because the sh#t stains are in the front.\" he said.

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!!!

12-04-2002, 08:57 AM
You seem to have a penchant for the scatological, there, Mobes...

12-04-2002, 09:01 AM
Only if it makes me laugh Madam. Only if it makes me laugh.

12-06-2002, 11:16 AM

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn\'t have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn\'t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

\"No,\" she says, \"they\'re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!!

12-06-2002, 10:55 PM
OK, OK, I got one.

A man goes out to the boonies and decides to visit a bar. He goes up and sits down at the bar, orders a beer and asks the bartender, \"Got any women \'round here?\"

The bartender says,\"Naw, ain\'t no women here but there\'s ol\' Joe in the back.\" The man says,\"No, I\'m not into that kind of stuff.\"

After a few more drinks, the man again asks, \"Got any women round here?\" The bartender declares, \"Like I told before, naw, but there\'s ol\' Joe in the back.\" The man says, \"I said I\'m NOT into that.\"

The man drinks a couple more beers and by this time, he\'s really feeling horny. Once again, he asks the bartender, \"Got any women round here?\" The bartender comes up to him and says right to his face, \"Naaaaww, BUT there IS ol\' Joe in the back.\"

The man thinks about this a moment and says, \"OK... after all, who would know?\" The bartender replies, \"Well, YOU would know, I would know, OL\' JOE would know...

the two guys holding JOE down would know. You see, ol\' Joe ain\'t into that kind of thing either.\"

Ewwwww, gross!!! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha


12-07-2002, 07:34 AM

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said, \"So, where y\'all from?\"

The New York girl said, \"From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence!\"

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, \"So, where y\'all from, bitc#!!!?\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!!!

12-13-2002, 09:26 AM

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde are all sitting in a doctors office, talking about what the sex of child they are going to have.

The Brunette says \"I am going to have a boy because I was on top while having sex.\"

The Redhead replied \"I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom while having sex.\"

All of a sudden, the Blonde screams out at the top of her voice, \"Oh my God!!!! I am going to have puppies!!\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!

12-14-2002, 08:58 AM
\"365 TIMES\"

A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: \"This bull mated 50 times last year.\" The wife turns to her husband and says, \"He mated 50 times in a year! You could learn from him Mister!!\"

They proceed to the next bull and that sign states: \"This bull mated 65 times last year.\"

The wife turns to her husband and says, \"This one mated 65 times last year. That\'s over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one too, big time!!\"

They proceed to the last bull and his sign reads: \"This bull mated 365 times last year.\"

The wife\'s mouth drops open as she gasps, \"Oh my!!! Makes me weak in the kneeeeeees! WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That\'s ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one Honey!! I\'m getting horny just thinking about it!!\"

The man turns to his wife and says, \"Yeah, okay! Carry your ass on up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow!!!\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!

12-14-2002, 09:14 AM
I like it better when it was a true story about President and Mrs. Coolidge.

Scientists even call this the Coolidge Effect in their honor.

12-15-2002, 02:32 PM
Whitehall got it right.

Ostensibly took place at a county fair or something. President and Mrs. Coolidge were touring the fair with different entourages.

Mrs. Coolidge et al, stopping at a display of chickens &amp; roosters, were informed that the rooster \"has been known to perform his duty up to 10 or more times a day.\" Mrs. Coolidge, playing to the press says, \"see to it that Mr. Coolidge gets that information when he comes this way.\"

President Coolidge\'s group eventually reaches the same display. They guy there says, \"President Coolidge, Mrs. Coolidge said to be sure to tell you that the rooster has been known to perform his duty 10 or more times per day.\"

President Coolidge: \"Is that right?\"

\"Yes sir, it is.\"

President Coolidge: \"Same chicken every time?\"

\"Well, no sir.\"

President Coolidge: \"See to it that Mrs. Coolidge gets that information.\"

12-17-2002, 02:27 PM
\"That Little Johnny Fella!!\"

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

\"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?\"

\"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Friday.\"

\"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Fri......day\"

\"Does anyone know another word?\"

\"I do! I do!\" replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny\'s more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

\"OK Mike, what is your word.\"

\"Saturday.\" says Mike.

\"Great, that has three syllables...\"

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says \"I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!\"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, \"O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?\"

Johnny proudly says, \"Mas...tur...ba...tion.\"

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, \"Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That\'s certainly is a mouthful.\"

\"No Ma\'am, you\'re thinking of \'blowjob\', and that\'s only two syllables!\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAD YOU SMILING!!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!!!

12-17-2002, 02:44 PM
Well, the teacher should have known better. Because when Little Johnny was in kindergarten, his teacher was going over the ABC\'s. \"What words begin with A?\" asked teacher, and Janey said, \"Apple.\" Teacher said \"Right, very good!\" and wrote \"Apple\" on the board. \" What words begin with B?\" asked the teacher. Johnny jumped up and yelled, \"Bastard!\" Shocked, the teacher told him such words were not allowed in the classroom, and put him in time out. Somewhere around the letter \"L,\" she let Johnny come back to his seat, and then, of course, the next letter was \"M.\" \"What words begin with M?\" asked the teacher. Johnny raised his hand to be called on and the teacher nodded, glad to give him another chance. Johnny said \"Midget!\" Teacher said, \"Right, very good!\" but when she turned her back to write \"midget\" on the board, Johnny stood up, holding his hands wide apart, and said \"WITH A DICK THIS BIG!!\"

That Johnny is so bad.

12-17-2002, 02:44 PM
Yeah, baby! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif

12-17-2002, 10:36 PM
That was great ! I lolled and lolled and lolled till I peed in my pants.
You\'re funny readhead.

12-19-2002, 11:17 AM

There was a fourth grade boy and a fourth grade girl. The fourth grade boy came by the fourth grade girl\'s house with a football and teased the girl saying, \"Ha Ha! You can\'t have a football cause you\'re a girl!\"

The girl goes to her mom crying so her mom buys her a football. The boy got angry.

So the next day he comes by with a boys bike and teases her saying, \"Ha Ha! You can\'t have a boys bike cause you\'re a girl!\"

So the girl goes crying to her mom and she gets a boys bike. The boy gets very mad.

So the next day the boy comes by, pulls down his pants and says, \"I\'ve got one of these and you can\'t go crying to your mom to get one!\"

She goes crying to her mom, and then the girl comes out pulls up her dress, drops her panties, and says, \"My mom said as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!\"

KEEP SMILING!!! IT INCREASES YOUR FACE VALUE!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!!!

12-22-2002, 07:27 PM
FOR ADULTS ONLY --- MUST BE 21 AND OVER!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif

Hardcore Q &amp; A

Q: What doesn\'t belong in this list? Meat, eggs, wife, or blowjob.
A: Blowjob...You can beat your meat, eggs and wife, but you can\'t beat a good blowjob.

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can get oxygen to their brain.

Q: What\'s the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, because at 69, you have to turn around.

Q: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

Q: What does bungee jumping and a hooker have in common?
A: They both cost a hundred buck and if the rubber breaks, you\'re screwed!!

HOPE YOUR DAY HAD YOU SMILING!!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif TATER!!!!

12-29-2002, 08:32 AM

One day while on patrol a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works. \"I\'ve pulled you over for speeding mam.....could I see your drivers license...?

\"What\'s a license...???\" replied the blonde instantly, giving away the fact that she was as a stump. Its usually in your wallet...replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes the driver managed to find it. Now may I see your registration...? Asked the cop. Registration....what\'s that...? asked the blonde. Its usually in your glove compartment, said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling she found the registration. I\'ll be back in a minute...the cop said and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the womans license and registration. After a few moments the dispatcher came back. Ummm is this woman driving a red sports car? Yes....Replied the officer. Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde? asked the dispatcher. Uh...Yes replied the cop. Here\'s what you do.....said the dispatcher. Give her stuff back and drop your pants. WHAT!!!? I cant do that! It\'s...inappropriate...exclaimed the cop. Trust me...just do it!!..said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs.....Ohh noooooooo!.....not ANOTHER breathalyzer!!

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif Tater!!!

12-30-2002, 08:59 AM
A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She sits down at the end of the bar and immediately raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer. At that moment, everybody notices that she doesn\'t shave her armpits. When she finishes her drink she raises her arm again to get another one. Again, everybody sees her incredibly hairy armpits. This happens a few times.

Meanwhile, a drunk man on the other side of the bar says to the bartender as he passes him, \"Hey! D\'you see that ballerina on the other side of the bar!?\"

The bartender gives him a nod.

\"Buy her a drink on me.\"

The bartender replies, \"Sure, but how do you know she\'s a ballerina?\"

\"Because,\" answers the drunken man, \"any chick who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina!!\"

HOPE YOUR DAY HAS YOU SMILING!!!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif Tootaloo!!!

P.S. For those that missed it...the drunk thought it was her private that he was seeing. Duhhhhhhhhhhhh!! /ubbthreads/images/icons/wink.gif

09-08-2004, 09:20 AM
here's a good riddle>>>


is greater than god, more evil than the devil, the rich need it and the poor have it, and if you eat it, you will


any guesses?????????

09-08-2004, 09:32 AM


09-08-2004, 10:54 AM

ding ding ding!!! we have a winnner