Big problems?

[Marisa]

Hello everybody!
One more new female in Pheromones…..
First of all forgive my “ugly” English (I’m here about 2 years).
Well, I tried to read first your discussions and etc. I don’t know if you’re interested in my story – what brought me to Phero. I did post some about me in other topic, but it disappeared. SO I’m married two years for now. But already have huge problem. We don’t have any sex with my husband more then 6 month.
I know that his antidepressants cause us such problems. You know guys; I’m only 34, pretty and still alive. And I’m absolutely in love with my husband. So, I’m gonna try pheros – it’s only hopes for me now.
Going back to your topic about dating customs… I’m from Russia. And I have to tell you< here in America guys are more restrained. I mean, they wait for verbal or nonverbal (but easy understanding) signals from woman before they’d start to do something. And it’s not just my impression. I heard about it form many other girls.
You know I’m attractive enough. But here I practically don’t get any attention from man. It doesn’t mean I’d like to chit on my husband – no way! But (maybe it’s just here in this such a puritan state) it seams that guys even afraid of looking at girls, telling them compliments. Why????
I’m not against feminism. NO! But it has to be wise! Not make man as a total victim of woman’s games. Seams girls here while trying getting some rights will loose much more. They will loose the feeling of being protected women, the princes that has to be won.
Back in Russia sometimes I’d really like guys understand that I’m not only “Cute” but I’m smart, professional, I’m A PERSON…… And if I sad NO – it means “NO”. But here you guys forgot about woman’s nature. And sometime our NO might mean “try one more time – I want to make sure you are doing what you really feel”.
You talk here about spending some money during dating. And most of girls won’t let you pay for them. Again about Russia – lately we got a tendency when men after dinner in restaurant obviously will have sex with that women (she ‘ll. kind of pay him for dinner). I hate it. And I‘d rather pay by myself than spend night with such a dork person.
Sorry< I wrote too much. But in this forum most are guys. And I really would like to know your opinion.
Thanks.

[Bruce]

Hello Marisa,
I would like to come up with some advise if I can, but I have a couple questions.
1. It sounds like you are now living in the US, not in Russia. Is that right?
2. Are you good friends with your husband? If there is some general problem getting along with him, maybe you it would be good to get some counseling.

You mention antidepressents. It sounds like your husband is probably going through some psychological problems adjusting to life in the US, new job... home etc etc. That can take a heavy toll on a man\'s sex drive. The more love and support he gets from his wife the better there, I think.

Pheros and other romantic paraphenalia can always help too, but it sounds like your husband may need a big does of \"TLC\" (tender loving care).

Bruce

[Marisa]

Hi Bruce!
Yes< you’re right. I’m here in US. But my husband is American guy. He is just a wonderful person whom I ever know in my life. Moreover – this is my second marriage.
Well, about antidepressants. Since he is Native American I cannot tell that new life causes him such problem. It came from his previous life, from being over worry about everything, from his last girlfriend (very “specific” person, I’d tell).
He says he has never been so comfortable before as he feels now. And I know it for sure. But he had started taking his pills before he found me. And I’m trying my best to help him going over it. You know< seams that people who takes such pills they get so dependent upon them.
Yes, you’re right about geting some counseling. But sometimes it’s so difficult for guys to make this kind of decision.
He works like a crazy. And I know he will be successful in it. But sometimes it looks like running away from our problems. Maybe he does not believe in “happy end”. Maybe something else. I do not know.
Everything was just fine when I came here. Maybe he was a little more patient than I would like him to be (I mean in our intimate time). But…..
Sorry, I don’t have to be so open about my problems. Just sometime it’s easier to talk to someone when you do not see him.
And I still hope that after counseling pheros will help me to get him back.
Anyway, if it will work at least a little bit I’ll let you know right away.

[xvs]

Maybe your husband could switch to wellbutrin?

That\'s one antidepressant which seems to have little if any sexual side-effects.

[jose]

Well until your husband stops using antidepressants and goes into counseling pheromones won\'t help you. Sounds like Your committed in the marriage and all you can do is encourage him to get better. As for your comments about women in America and the way men act, yes there are guys that don\'t take no for an answer. Most women in America need a strong, assertive male, whose independent not a nice, desperate wuss that gives complements and gifts or do favors to get what he wants. You certainly have a problem and I hope the marriage last.

[a.k.a.]

I have a friend on antidepressants. He says sex is as exciting as brushing his teeth. I’ve read that many guys need extreme stimulation to achieve orgasm. Or that their orgasms are too feeble to be worth the effort.
It seems your husband is desensitized to sex. Even if pheromones get him in the mood, sex will never really be a pleasure until he gets off the pills.

You’re right about the US being puritanical. Very few men like to flirt. Most want to be some kind of Hollywood Hero: cool, hard, in control and always the winner. That’s why it’s hard to accept “NO”. It’s also the reason so many push themselves too hard (and fall apart when facing a loss).

On the the other hand, women have a lot of legal protection in the US. (Fewer for immigrants. But still substantial.) I’ve read that in Russia many employers expect their secretaries to be their whores. In the US you could easily win a devastating law suit against such a guy.

Anyway... Good luck with the pheromones and please keep us posted.

[Marisa]

Thank you averybody for your communication and your support!
I\'ll try to do my best. And tell you if will get any results.

[DrSmellThis]

I use wellbutrin for that reason.

[frenchie]

hi Marisa,
I\'ve read your posts, and I think there is a problem in your couple that pheros alone will not solve. Maybe you could talk with a psychologist or someone like that. I know men don\'t like to talk about their problems, but it seems to be the best solution for you two.
I am french, and I live in France, I don\'t know very much about american guys (nor girls - I prefer girls :-)), except that they always act like cool, to the opposite of guys here. And I\'ve already travelled to Poland, where people are so charming and nice that you really want to go back there again... when I feel really bad, I prefer not to take pills - these are drugs which can only help for the symptoms of the disease. It\'s much better to talk with a specialist and attack the disease at its roots. Maybe it takes longer to get some results, but the results are better.
This was just a european point of view !

Frenchie

[xvs]

Frenchie: what do you mean that american guys act cool? Can you describe the difference in the way they act as compared to French guys?

[frenchie]

one can observe here in France a kind of macho-behaviour increase, among young people. Girls act more like in a submissive way. And that is very different from what it was several years ago, when guys were cooler and softer, I would say, and girls were aware of their freedom.
At the same time, people who get together (boy+girl) are very much stuck to each other, as if they had the fear of separation instead of confidence.
Well, I can\'t be very objective as I\'m not sexually attracted to men, but this is a general sociological phenomenon which is observed. And guys, I think, are kind of lost and don\'t know how to act/react.

I\'d be interested to know if this happens in the USA too !

Havea good day
Frenchie

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Marisa, Hi! Big hugs and welcome.1. Listen to the guys, they\'re absolutely right -- get your husband on Wellbutrin. If he\'s taking Zoloft, you haven\'t got a snowball\'s chance in hell of ever seeing that beautiful erection again, I don\'t care how hard you work for it, or how much he wants you. It\'s the medication, not your husband. Trying to seduce him right now when he\'s not physically capable might just make him feel worse. First try a change in medication. If that doesn\'t work, let us know and we\'ll go to plan B.2. I work in a law office, so just imagine how cool and distant the guys are - because they\'re scared to death they\'ll get in trouble for saying the wrong thing. The attorneys at my firm go to Sexual Harassment classes (yes, classES, plural) to teach them NOT to respond to women as women in the workplace. They come out of there afraid to even make eye contact. It IS like you say - you have to initiate. Read through some of the posts from guys talking about how to decipher women\'s body language. You have to be pretty blatant sometimes to get your point across because they don\'t always understand what they\'re looking at. When you see a chance to make a sexy joke or a compliment comes to mind, DO IT. The first couple of times you say something a little \"off,\" or you act friendly, he might not react because he\'ll be thinking to himself, \"Did she just say that?\" but he\'ll think it over and he\'ll be ready for you the next time. After awhile, the guys will be hanging out at your desk, cracking jokes and flirting with you, because they know you\'re not going to jump up and down or be offended at them being themselves, and that you enjoy compliments, giving and receiving. You have to give permissions and show that you can be trusted, and over time you\'ll make friends.There may be a guy or two who thinks because you enjoy men, you\'re easy, and maybe a guy or two will get out of line a little, but you\'re a grown woman, you can handle yourself. Eventually it all works out and you will start to get the attention you deserve.The money thing really disturbs me, too - I don\'t let anybody ever give me anything. That\'s how I solved that problem. Except my boss, actually, because I trust him completely - he would never do anything inappropriate and he\'s the most delicious, witty flirt - so if he wants to take me to lunch or give me a check for Christmas I let him. Except for him, I pay my own way or I don\'t go out. Since I don\'t make much money, I don\'t go out much. But I\'d rather it be that way than be indebted.Hope this helps. It will all work out, I feel sure - keep your chin up! Very best wishes,Renee

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Personally I reckon your husband may get his drive back by switching to a drug called \"venlafaxine\". I\'m not sure what the trade name is in the US but try and go for the extended release version. Fortunately, it\'s also supposed to very effective. However, sexual side effects are still not uncommon with venlafaxine. There are a lot of drugs similar to Zoloft but, even a different drug is likely to have different side effects for the same person.

Keep on trying until you find the one that works best and let us know how it all goes.

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