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View Full Version : Aww, when the 'mones fail you



jamesdeanmartin
06-28-2002, 01:41 PM
Picture this:

You\'ve had a crush on a girl for about 3 years off and on. You have become best friends over the past 6 months. She calls you every night, you hang out every night or every other night. She loves spending time with you. She had a drug addiction problem that you helped her recover from. There is a lot of flirtation going on, but you haven\'t had the chance to make a move yet. Then while sitting in the coffee shop with her, she blurts out, \"I think I\'ll [censored] your friend Nate to see if he is gay or not\"

At that piont, all the pheremones in the world can\'t help you.
I don\'t know if she said it to get a reaction from me (she has a history of doing this). One of my female friends said don\'t believe anything she says about \"Nate\". I get the feeling she wants me to make a move, but when I hear a statement like that, my confidence goes in the shitter. I feel real ackward around my friend Nate now. She knows I get hyper jealous and may have been using that to get at me.

I just sorta sat there for a second. Then I was quite proud of myself, I actually grew some balls and thought, I\'m not gonna sit her and take this [censored]. So I stood up, paid my bill and left quickly without a response. She sorta wigged out, calling my close female friend (the one who said don\'t believe anything she says about Nate) to maybe talk about me or why I would have responded so. I\'m not sure. But those two rarely if ever talk, so her making a phonecall was a big step.

As soon as I came home from work that day (she works below me and can hear my footsteps) she called upstairs. She seemed to be trying to figure me out, she said, \"I was just calling to say \"Hey\"

I simply responded, \"Well, Hey\"

A few moments of ackwardness then we exchanged pleasantries and parted ways. In a Ross Jeffries kind of way I wanted to establish a couple of things with those actions (a) I don\'t have all day to sit and talk to you (b) I as a potential suitor am uncomfortable when she talks about [censored] my friends (c) I\'m not going to play games and I will withdraw from the relationship in a second if things get [censored] up.

I don\'t know how it came off. She called me last night and we hung out. Things seemed to be back to normal, and she was trying especially hard to be nice to me. Although I hope I didn\'t come off as a child or something.

Eh. I was wearing A1 on the wrists, and Rogue Male behind the ears. They didn\'t help. She usually responds boffo to A1.

Is this a strategy women use? Do women use jealousy and machismo against us? After hearing she wanted to [censored] Nate, I never busted my ass in the gym so much in my life. I was breathing fire on the weights.

Any thoughts?

JDM

(Some quick background on Nate, he is extremely quiet, rarely if ever talks, he is more attractive now than he has been in quite some time. But she has never shown interest in him before. He was a pretty random name to pick).

EXIT63
06-28-2002, 01:46 PM
JDM

The girl is obviously a psycho.
Why waste your time?
Do you really need the aggravation?

**DONOTDELETE**
06-28-2002, 02:19 PM
Dude just make it clear to her that you are not going to take any wierd games. And next time she blurts out something like that call her on it(Eg. why would you say that?). If she was serious then she\'s a slut. Screwing someone to find out if they\'re gay? come on. She sounds a little unstable. Don\'t let her have control over you make her think she is privilaged to even talk to you(not in a snoby way).

Well those are my thoughts.

Abbadon

SwingerMD
06-28-2002, 02:27 PM
JMD,

I feel for you man. I was in somewhat the same situation that you are in about two years ago. I was totally head over heels for this girl that I have known for a very long time. Unfortunately I mentioned a friend of mine that had a problem at the time and she became so jealous that she started to flirting with my friends right in front of me. Anyhow to make a long story short (very complicated, but these things tend to be that way) we broke things up horribly. No e-mails, phone calls, or letters.

Anyway she was the main reason I started really hitting the weights, learning how to swing dance, and working on boosting my social skills. And now I have found mones /ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif .

I know it is so hard to think clearly when you are so in love with someone. But I have found that you have to think about putting yourself first. I know this sounds very selfish, but I believe that she is getting more out of this relationship than you are. A true relationship is a two way street. If you truely want a chance at this person, I think that your advice you stated somewhere in which you ignore and stay away from this person for a very long time is the best (at least a year).

You\'re a wise man JMD, unfortunately I have found that the wiser a person is, the harder they it is for them to follow their own advice. Good luck.

**DONOTDELETE**
06-28-2002, 02:31 PM
JDM, the fact she used to be a druggie, says it all I think. Some good advice from the other members, and I concur; dump the sack of rancid cabbage before things go downhill, very fast like. I\'ve know at least two other guys who were in nearly your exact position, and no good ever came of it. If you\'re serious about getting the right girl for yourself, you will dump this one fast. Good luck, be strong.

\'Slinger out.

**DONOTDELETE**
06-28-2002, 02:31 PM
JDM: I had a very similar situation some years ago. In the end it turned out that she was actually trying to get a reaction to me and that she was interested in making our friendship-only relationship into a more sexually oriented one. Too bad I didn\'t figure it out at that moment; I felt sort of offended since she was showing sexual interest for one of our friends, while there was this \"unsaid agreement\" that there had to be something between me and her; so I was so pissed off that I ruined the whole thing, killing our friendship too... I remember being very silly and stupid in those moment, and if I got a chance to rerun that part of my life again, my behaviour would surely be different.

Two years later we met for pure coincidence, and agreed to have a stop in a near pub. We talked about that past thing, and we spoke about what we were feeling then: we both had a crush on each other, but her rough approach and my hard response basically killed the thing... And too bad, when we spoke about all these things, the both of us had a partner /ubbthreads/images/icons/frown.gif

So my advice is... She\'s trying to get an angry response from you, because she wants you and she wants you to break the ice. It\'s all IMHO, but I\'m rather sure of this. Try to stay cool but show her (in subtle ways, of course) that there\'s *no* need for her to think about Nate, because there\'s *you* near her.

This is a situation where pheros can\'t help so much I guess. There\'s simply too stuff involved... But in addition to my advice, I give you my best \"Good Luck!\".

Whitehall
06-28-2002, 02:40 PM
Dude,

You posted a thread on this some time ago - everybody warned you off of this girl. Yet, there you are, whining about her jerking you around, AGAIN.

You are responsible for your own happiness. You know what to do yet you haven\'t done it.

I have little sympathy and no respect. Go cry to your mama.

**DONOTDELETE**
06-28-2002, 02:47 PM
Mr. Martin;

Well it sounds like it could either be
1) She was trying to get a rise out of you. Some women find it nice that a guy does not try to jump her bones right off the bat in a relationship. But the longer you wait and try to be a gentleman the smaller your window of opportunity is. She may have thrown that one out there to see what your reaction would be or to get you to \"Make your move\".

2) That she sees you only as a friend. And she may be a Ho-Bag. But from the way you presented her, I do not think this is the case. And far as having a addiction problem....you know who she is, and what she is all about. We all have addictions of one sort or another. And just because we are programmed as a society to think and lump all \"Druggies\" in a group of negativity, does not mean it is necessarily fact or fair for that matter.

Anyway just a thought or 2.

TCO

**DONOTDELETE**
06-28-2002, 02:54 PM
Nimbus, you and I think alike. I say she wants you too JDM, but you have to let her know you want her. Don\'t play mind games, why not simply say how you feel? Life is to short to be jerked around all the time...

**DONOTDELETE**
06-28-2002, 03:44 PM
JDM, you gotta listen to reason here, we\'re telling you this for your own good, DUMP HER! Ex-druggie, possible Turrets patient, \"best friend\", I say you\'ve already submitted this little venture to the Long Term Relationship board of approval, and it has come back stamped \"Denied\"! Ask her why doesn\'t she sleep with all the guys in town to see which ones have AIDS? Then dump her. I\'m dead serious, I know it sounds cruel, but even IF ANY sort of LTR develops out of this, it will be madly unstable and will end up wasting more of your life and breaking you heart more than anyone can bear! The warnings are everywhere if you look for them; DO NOT PURSUE THIS!

\'Slinger out.

jose
06-28-2002, 04:04 PM
Well James either tell her how you feel or just leave the friendship. But be forewarned there are a lot of )))))sirens((((((((( going off and she seems emotionally unbalanced and needy. Don\'t try to Fool yourself into thinking that love conquers all. They\'ll be more mind games to come from her.

Andy
06-28-2002, 04:05 PM
I am a little overtired and thought about the meaning of JDM\'s post. Your relation is completely asexual till now, right JDM ?
...

Whew .. ermmm, guys ... you are judging quite quick huh ? Maybe you have a hell of background info, our .. well, ummm ... I even dunno what to say.

You don\'t know this girl, you don\'t know anything about the relationship between the two, except some lines of text, in 3 years. Sorry but this is teletubbiestyle imho, dump her dump her nanana dump her, ohoh ... dump her.
JDM seems to have real feelings for this girl and hell, what is wrong about the things she did. There are 2 possiblilities. First, she might see JDM as a good friend and is just telling him (as asexual friend) what she\'s planning to do with Nate. I won\'t take the sentence \"too see if he\'s gay\" too serious, almost everybody said something like that to his close friends. Second, she want\'s to get JDM out of his sooo comfortable shell and honestly, I think JDM might need that.

Pheros can\'t do the job for you. It\'s like the difference between a robot and a really good tool. The robot will do the work for you, a good tool will just make the work *you do* a lot easier. Have you ever asked her directly .. or even made a serious attempt to get intimated with her ? You gotta do the job, spray your pheros on and forget about them. You can fill your car with the best oil and gas out on the market, it will be completely useless unless you start that damn engine and once you started that engine you won\'t think about the things the gas is doing now in it. You just see, that it\'s working well, because your engine does a great job, maybe greater than it would with standard gas.

**DONOTDELETE**
06-28-2002, 07:29 PM
Better than if you used water, or nothing at all...

**DONOTDELETE**
06-28-2002, 08:05 PM
JDM...

...the quickest way to get a woman off her guard to be direct and re-direct. Example:

Woman: I want to screw your friend to find out if he\'s gay.

JDM: And this is important to you because.

(She\'ll have no good answer for this). That\'s when you shake your head and say: I gotta go. You get up and walk out.

This makes a woman start to think about what she says to you and shows strength.

Although I must admit you handled things well. I agree with what other people here have said too, she doesn\'t seem stable. Now the question is how do you handle this. If you pull away from her you don\'t want her to start using again (not to mention pulling away is the quickest way to make woman want to be closer) but you also don\'t want her to pull you into the soap opera she wants you to be a part of.

The biggest thing with dealing with women is this: Let them know what you want and let them know if their not with the program then they can hit the road. Women will do it to you so when you do it to them it makes them freak and put the ball back in your court. Sure there\'s times to compromise but you have to pick these times wisely. When you\'re looking for someone to spend your life with or be in a long term relationship with they have to have the same values and if they don\'t then you don\'t need to be with them.

-The Bat

jamesdeanmartin
06-30-2002, 06:56 AM
Hey guys,

Thanks for the advice. I understand where you are coming from Whitehall, I did take everyone\'s advice and I pulled away quite abruptly. But the more I pull away, the closer she clings to me. It\'s very hard to drop someone I\'ve been that close to for so long. And to be honest, I tend to focus on the 1% that is bad compared to the 99% of the good times we have together. You guys on the board hear only the bad things about her. I care about her 99.99% as a person, and as a friend, it\'s just that I think we could occassionally become more. But I am willing to take my time with her. It\'s not an asexual relationship at all. It\'s a sort of hypersexual relationship. We talk about sex alot, we\'ve shared every sexual story we have in our cloest. We\'ve recently started joking about becoming \"[censored] buddies\" and \"[censored] like rabbits every couple of days\". I\'ve given her a couple of full body nude massages (that we always interrupted before anything could happen). Honestly we just haven\'t had the opportunity to be alone and see if something happens.
I think Andy made a good point, she knows me, and she knows I\'ll sit in a comfortable shell forever and not leave, this may be her way of changing things up and forcing me to show her affection. Or she could be tired of me taking forever to make a move on her and is moving on.

Anyway, things are definitely wierd between us right now. Perhaps it\'s my fault, an old friend, a really cute girl came into the coffee shop last night while my friend was working. I couldn\'t help myself, we flirted a lot, a whole lot, right in front of \"Annie\" and she was visibly upset. She got me back on Saturday when she came to a party at my house and flirted up a bunch of guys and ignored me for the 1st half of the party.

Damn, I really need to just sit down and talk to her. All of this drama is sorta bullshit. I\'ll do it tonight. I\'m thinking something like this...

\"Are you OK with me? Things seem strange between us right now?\"
\"I don\'t want things to be strange between us, why don\'t we go out tomorrow night, just the two us. I\'ll take you out to eat and we\'ll see a movie, my treat.\"

Something like that so we can hang out one-on-one, sort of a date (which we\'ve never had). Hopefully we can clear everything up then and either a.) start something or b.) move on.

JDM

**DONOTDELETE**
06-30-2002, 07:42 AM
I was in the same situation, well sorta same, except that my girl wasnt into [censored] her friends. Anyway we were really good friends for 2 years, we did a lot of things together, and when I asked her to be my gf, she didnt want to because she said she only liked me as a friend. Anyway after graduating, I stopped all contact with her for about 6 months, after six months of not seeing her, I called her.

Anyway the results were great. She keeps telling me she is in love with me.


It really works if you let them go for a while. I \"must\" be a while tho. not just a week. Then they realize the real feelings towards you.

P.S. the mones will also help. =P

**DONOTDELETE**
06-30-2002, 07:51 AM
Didnt read your last post.

If you really want to see if anything more than friends can go on between you guys, I suggest that you don\'t go after her asking her whats wrong, or if things are okay. The reason she \"gets back at you\" is because she knows that if she does that you will come crawling to her to see what is wrong.


Really, I\'ve gone through the same situation as you. Just let her go, forget about her, make her feel you are no longer interested in her, and if she tries anything \"Sweet\" towards you, don\'t buy it, once you go back to her, things will always be the same. Let her got for a while. Things will be best for both of you once she realizes \"what she has lost.\"

jose
06-30-2002, 09:00 AM
James you sound like a needy puppy asking for approval by its master. When are you going to learn to stop running every time she does something nice or bad to you. Go see other girls and stop playing the \"He\'s my bitch\" role! Although you\'re not going to listen to me but you\'ll learn pretty soon that you just wasted your time with this girl.

**DONOTDELETE**
06-30-2002, 06:56 PM
Wow, I didn\'t know so many people had been though this type of thing...My story is basically identical to imindtim\'s except I messed up and after 2-3 year of being \"friends\" I ended the friendship with a blunt conversation that just went to hell. She just thought of me as a \"friend\". After that she dated my good buddy for a while then she dumped him saying \"wait for me I\'ll be back from college in 4 years\" or some stupid [censored] like that. Anyways after about a year of not seeing her I saw her about 2 weeks ago and(even though I was being nice at first, putting on a fake smile and such) she started right back up with the games. Well as soon as she did that I just ignored her and went back to my conversation with another girl, after about 30 second of me not acknowlging her existence she left the party. But who knows maybe she\'s in love with me now and is just to stuburn to admit it. Eithier way I don\'t give damn, I don\'t ever even want to talk to her again. It took way to long, but I finally saw that she was a psycho and very troubled girl that I don\'t want to have anything to do with.
Another thing....I was reading something on www.fastseduction.com (\"http://www.fastseduction.com\") and it was talking about how when a girl knows a guy is attacted to her she feels confident and comfortable but when the guy lets her know he\'s no longer attracted to her she loses her confidence and her comfort so she will then go out of her way to regain what she had before.
I think that was under \"Neg hits\".

Enough rambling from me...JMD - think clearly and don\'t let her get her little psycho kicks out of you.

rjm
07-01-2002, 07:06 AM
JDM, dude,

I have my own wierd little situation with a female, and I I\'m not going to say to COMPLETELY write her off *JUST YET*, but I\'m thrilled to see that had the cookies to take care of your check and walk out. I\'ll be doing that if Amy pulls out the cell phone, the next time we\'re out, unless she\'s on with her mother.

On balance, I\'d say hold your ground, and DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE USED. I get the feeling that she doesn\'t particularly respect you, and probably not herself, all that much.

If she starts acting in a way that offends or embarasses you, or that you just do not want to be around her, her do not waste your time. Odds are, you\'re looking for a REAL relationship, and I get the feeling that she isn\'t worthy, at least not in the present incarnation.

I generally don\'t bother to answer my phone, but if I got a call from someone that was setting me off that badly, I wouldn\'t bother to call her back.

If she figures it out, great; if not, then she\'s gone, \'cause you can certainly do better.

Good luck; I feel for ya!

**DONOTDELETE**
07-01-2002, 07:26 AM
don\'t worry man no need to stress yourself over one single girl...really just let it go and find other women to even be simply friends with cuz your happiness is not worth it...
if she realizes that she\'s been a freak, she\'ll come back and apologize and all that...but yes often girls say that stuff and maybe you should try it too...sometimes it helps break up tension and it\'s easier actually to express your sexual interest in someone later on...you are the man so have a good time and don\'t care...

**DONOTDELETE**
07-01-2002, 05:45 PM
JDM give us a update as to what happens.

Abbadon

jamesdeanmartin
07-01-2002, 07:21 PM
Tomorrow I tell her I\'m leaving for New Orleans to go to Law School on Aug 1st. If there is anything between us it better happen soon. She wasn\'t expecting me to leave this year, I was planning on leaving next year until my finances got all screwed up.

I do feel somewhat guilty about wearing the \'mones around her, I\'m afraid all of these chemicals are giving her mixed signals, and may have even ruined any chance of us making it \"work\". But we\'ll see what happens in the next 30 days.

She\'s just a confused kid right now.

I asked her out last night, she said she wasn\'t sure because her brother was in a championship baseball game (he is, she\'s not making an excuse). She didn\'t seem to be cold at all to the idea of \"dating\", then again, we didn\'t do anything tonight, I hung out with my guy friends and she went to her brother\'s game.

We didn\'t really talk about it at all after I asked, and we hung out in a group of friends last night.

JDM