Mtnjim
10-12-2006, 01:38 PM
MA KNOWS
A young man
excitedly told his mother he'd fallen in love and was
going to get married. He said, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm
going to bring
over 3 women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."
His mother agreed. The next
day, he brought three beautiful women
into the house and sat them down on the couch. They all talked for a
while.
He then said, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replied, "The
one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" he asked.
"I don't like
her." replied his mother.
BE NICE
When you're hospitalised, it pays to be nice
to your nurse, even when
you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after
ordering his
nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head
nurse stood up to him.
One morning she entered his
room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse
said, "but for this reading, I can't
use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled
over and bared
his bottom. After feeling with her thermometer, the
nurse the nurse announced, "I have to get something while
this is
registers. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her
way out, and he cursed
under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an
hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man
answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a daffodil."
I LOVE YOU
The young man
was determined to win his girl that evening. "I have
loved you more than you will ever know," he said.
"So I
was right," she responded, slapping him across the face. "You did
take advantage of me when I was drunk last
Saturday night!"
ANOTHER STUDY
A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male
face a woman finds
attractive mostly differs depending on where a woman is in her menstrual
cycle.
For
instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with
rugged, masculine features and if she is menstruating
she is more prone
to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved into his temple.
BATHING SUITS
The difference between bathing suits of Now and Then is that the
bathing suits of the past
required that you open the suit to see the
buttocks.
The bathing suits today require that you open the
buttocks to see the
suit.
SAFE
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned
that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact
the family's
status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be
put on birth control and,
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her
daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!
I'm dating Susan!"
DISAPPEAR
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine
restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that
the man was slowly
sliding down his chair and under the table, with the
woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the
man slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him
appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining
companion had disappeared.
After the
waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the
table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I
think your husband
just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he
didn't.
He just walked in the door."
PORN SCAM
A company took out a newspaper
advertisement claiming to be able to
supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem
reasonable, people place orders and made payments via checks.
After several weeks, the company wrote back
explaining that under the
present law they are unable to supply the materials and did not wish to
be prosecuted.
So they returned their customers' money in the form of a
company check.
However, due to the name of the
company, few people ever bother to
present these to their banks.
The name of the company: 'The Anal Sex and
Fetish Perversion Company.'
A young man
excitedly told his mother he'd fallen in love and was
going to get married. He said, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm
going to bring
over 3 women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."
His mother agreed. The next
day, he brought three beautiful women
into the house and sat them down on the couch. They all talked for a
while.
He then said, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replied, "The
one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" he asked.
"I don't like
her." replied his mother.
BE NICE
When you're hospitalised, it pays to be nice
to your nurse, even when
you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after
ordering his
nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head
nurse stood up to him.
One morning she entered his
room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse
said, "but for this reading, I can't
use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled
over and bared
his bottom. After feeling with her thermometer, the
nurse the nurse announced, "I have to get something while
this is
registers. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her
way out, and he cursed
under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an
hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man
answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a daffodil."
I LOVE YOU
The young man
was determined to win his girl that evening. "I have
loved you more than you will ever know," he said.
"So I
was right," she responded, slapping him across the face. "You did
take advantage of me when I was drunk last
Saturday night!"
ANOTHER STUDY
A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male
face a woman finds
attractive mostly differs depending on where a woman is in her menstrual
cycle.
For
instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with
rugged, masculine features and if she is menstruating
she is more prone
to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved into his temple.
BATHING SUITS
The difference between bathing suits of Now and Then is that the
bathing suits of the past
required that you open the suit to see the
buttocks.
The bathing suits today require that you open the
buttocks to see the
suit.
SAFE
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned
that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact
the family's
status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be
put on birth control and,
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her
daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!
I'm dating Susan!"
DISAPPEAR
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine
restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that
the man was slowly
sliding down his chair and under the table, with the
woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the
man slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him
appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining
companion had disappeared.
After the
waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the
table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I
think your husband
just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he
didn't.
He just walked in the door."
PORN SCAM
A company took out a newspaper
advertisement claiming to be able to
supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem
reasonable, people place orders and made payments via checks.
After several weeks, the company wrote back
explaining that under the
present law they are unable to supply the materials and did not wish to
be prosecuted.
So they returned their customers' money in the form of a
company check.
However, due to the name of the
company, few people ever bother to
present these to their banks.
The name of the company: 'The Anal Sex and
Fetish Perversion Company.'