Quickies

[belgareth]

Quickie #1



One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred,

"and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.

Quickie #2

A

woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and

shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my

God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell

out."

Quickie # 3

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,


and the other is a husband.

Quickie #4

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a

driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The
optician showed him a card with

the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the

Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Quickie #5

Mother Superior called all the nuns

together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."


"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Quickie #6

A

wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.


"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my
GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER?

They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me
when you're

cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt

them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"


The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of

eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."



Quickie #7

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the

Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber

sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the

Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army


has been looking for Herman for 51 years

[slickracer]

haha thanks bel!! i loved the

first one and the 5th one. i was laughing so much with the 5th one. thanks for the smiles. and good job one doing

your part on makeing the world a happier place.!

[Bruce]

Very funny.
#2 reminds me of this

joke:

Husband: Helen, put on your coat. I'm going bowling.
Wife: You're taking me bowling with

you?!?!
Husband: No, I'm turning off the heat.

[Bruce]

I heard this one in

India:

Husband: Honey.... I walked home instead of taking the bus today and saved us 2 rupees.
Wife: You idiot!

Why didn't you walk home instead of taking a taxi?!!! You could have saved us 100 rupees!!!

[belgareth]

As a young

minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
graveside service in a new cemetery for a derelict man (with

no
family or friends) who had died while traveling through the area.

The cemetery was way back in the country.

This man would be the
first to be laid to rest at this new cemetery.

As I was not familiar with the rural

area, I became lost.

Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions. And when I
finally arrived an hour

late, I saw a crew and a backhoe, but the
hearse was nowhere in sight.

The workmen were eating lunch. I

apologized for my tardiness, but
the workers just looked puzzled. I stepped to the side of the open
grave, to

find the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the
proper

thing to do.

As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured
out my heart and soul.

As

I preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord" and
"Glory," (they must have all been Baptist).



I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before. I began
from Genesis and worked all the way through

to Revelation.
I preached for 45 minutes.

It was a long service. Finally, I closed in prayer and it was


finished.

As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and I
would leave with a renewed sense of

purpose and dedication, in spite
of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I

overheard one of
the workers saying to another...

"Ya know, I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years,

but I ain't
never seen nothin' like that before."

[belgareth]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink


is driving home

from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the

road.
A cop pulls

him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya

been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs

the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had

quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a

smile.

"D[/FON

T]id

you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections

back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"[/

SIZE][SIZE=6]O[FON

T=Arial]h, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.


"F[/COLO

R][COLOR=#005100]or a minute there, I thought

I'd gone deaf."

[belgareth]

A

couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be

breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency

services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice

says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is

heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now

what?"