MOBLEYC57
01-18-2006, 08:55 AM
NIP AND TUCKED?
:cheers:
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had
performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an
accident, I re attached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One
of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I re attached them, and
2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are
amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train
traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's blond mane and a big ass. Now she's the
Senator from New York."
POWER OF THE TONGUE :box:
Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to
wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle
prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or
so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one
of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No"
"Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy.
The woman, beginning to
turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt,
yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back.
This
shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The
cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that
there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.
POWER OF THE MOUTH :drunk:
A mother is
in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
"Mommy, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One
night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother
continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The
child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in
your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."
THOSE AMAZING ONE LINERS!
:wave:
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More
Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
3. The difference between the
Pope and your boss is that the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One
brilliant flash, and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled, and that ice --
well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be that only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines
and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was
relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write
me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My
neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of
paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm
making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
BACK IN THE DAYS
:POKE:
Back in the day, I wasn't so confused.
An application was for employment, and a program was a TV
show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD
was a bank account.
And if you had a 3-inch floppy, you hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you
did to the garbage, not something you did to a file,
and if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for
a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where
a mouse lived.
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocketknife.
Paste you did with
glue.
A web was a spider's home, and a virus was the flu.
Now they all mean different things, and that really
mega bytes!!!
MY SON'S BETTER THAN YOURS! :run:
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning.
As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were
discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so
successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second
man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third
man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in
the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the
tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what
line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies.
"For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three
recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three
boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."
THE BIG CITY LAWYER
-VS- THE WISE OLD MAN :nono:
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a
bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an
elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and
it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and
you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and,
if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle
small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three
Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on,
back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from
the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.
The geezer's second kick nearly
ripped the man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a
kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed
to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot; now it's my turn."
The geezer smiled and said, "Naw, I give
up. You can have the duck."
Coffee and cream? :wave:
:cheers:
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had
performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an
accident, I re attached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One
of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I re attached them, and
2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are
amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train
traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's blond mane and a big ass. Now she's the
Senator from New York."
POWER OF THE TONGUE :box:
Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to
wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle
prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or
so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one
of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No"
"Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy.
The woman, beginning to
turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt,
yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back.
This
shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The
cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that
there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.
POWER OF THE MOUTH :drunk:
A mother is
in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
"Mommy, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One
night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother
continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The
child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in
your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."
THOSE AMAZING ONE LINERS!
:wave:
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More
Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
3. The difference between the
Pope and your boss is that the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One
brilliant flash, and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled, and that ice --
well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be that only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines
and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was
relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write
me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My
neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of
paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm
making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
BACK IN THE DAYS
:POKE:
Back in the day, I wasn't so confused.
An application was for employment, and a program was a TV
show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD
was a bank account.
And if you had a 3-inch floppy, you hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you
did to the garbage, not something you did to a file,
and if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for
a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where
a mouse lived.
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocketknife.
Paste you did with
glue.
A web was a spider's home, and a virus was the flu.
Now they all mean different things, and that really
mega bytes!!!
MY SON'S BETTER THAN YOURS! :run:
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning.
As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were
discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so
successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second
man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third
man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in
the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the
tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what
line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies.
"For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three
recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three
boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."
THE BIG CITY LAWYER
-VS- THE WISE OLD MAN :nono:
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a
bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an
elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and
it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and
you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and,
if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle
small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three
Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on,
back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from
the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.
The geezer's second kick nearly
ripped the man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a
kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed
to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot; now it's my turn."
The geezer smiled and said, "Naw, I give
up. You can have the duck."
Coffee and cream? :wave: