MOBLEYC57
04-03-2005, 06:52 PM
WHAT KIND OF SEX DO YOU HAVE? :twisted:
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's
your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you
know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, I've got a big problem, doctor. Every
time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the
problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came
right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an
orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and
his
"manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back
his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said
the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to
talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and
found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of
you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
POLICE STORIES :blink:
Good: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he
discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of
change.
Better: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car
speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a
picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
Best: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car
window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway
Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she
smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was
laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
A TRUE
K-9 :cheers:
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in
Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long
he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the
obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy,
I'm in deep schitt, now!!!"
Then he noticed some bones on
the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as
the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
"Man, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as
a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog
nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching
the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dog saw him heading
after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool
of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!!"
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back, and thinks," What am I going to do now!?"
But instead
of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says,
"Where in the fuck is that monkey! I just can never trust him. I sent him off
half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and his ass is still not back!!!"
FISH FOR DINNER, OR NOT? :blink:
A blonde
wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.
After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole
in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed,
''THERE ARE NO
FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
Startled, the blonde moved further down the
ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed,
''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she
started another hole and once again the voice said,
''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
The very scared blonde
raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered,
''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's
your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you
know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, I've got a big problem, doctor. Every
time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the
problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came
right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an
orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and
his
"manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back
his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said
the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to
talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and
found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of
you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
POLICE STORIES :blink:
Good: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he
discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of
change.
Better: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car
speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a
picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
Best: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car
window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway
Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she
smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was
laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
A TRUE
K-9 :cheers:
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in
Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long
he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the
obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy,
I'm in deep schitt, now!!!"
Then he noticed some bones on
the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as
the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
"Man, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as
a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog
nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching
the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dog saw him heading
after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool
of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!!"
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back, and thinks," What am I going to do now!?"
But instead
of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says,
"Where in the fuck is that monkey! I just can never trust him. I sent him off
half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and his ass is still not back!!!"
FISH FOR DINNER, OR NOT? :blink:
A blonde
wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.
After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole
in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed,
''THERE ARE NO
FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
Startled, the blonde moved further down the
ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed,
''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she
started another hole and once again the voice said,
''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
The very scared blonde
raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered,
''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.