Some Jokes

[SweetBrenda]

A Polish man moved to

the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one

day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The

lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following

questions:



LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."



LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does

either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, what are

your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your

marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you

up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."



LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think

that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me.. She buy a

bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

[SweetBrenda]

This is

something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story

the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life

miserable.

A woman was at her

hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the

hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go

to Rome. So, how are you getting

there?"

"We're taking

Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"



"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are

old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"



"We'll be at this exclusive

little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."



"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something

special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is

surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get

there?"

"We're going to go to

see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."



"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see

him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need

it."

A month later, the woman

again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to

Rome.

"It was wonderful,"

explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and

they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who

waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's

a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's

suite at no extra

charge!"

"Well," muttered the

hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the

Pope."

"Actually, we were quite

lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes

to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would

personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt

down and he spoke a few words to

me."

"Oh really--what'd he

say?"

He said: "Where'd you get

the shitty hairdo?


:rofl:

[SweetBrenda]

Sorry I couldn't make the font

smaller :sad:









ROMANCE

MATHEMATICS



Smart

man

+

smart woman = romance




Smart

man

+

dumb woman =

affair




Dumb

man

+

smart woman =

marriage




Dumb

man

+ dumb woman = pregnancy




[fo

nt=Arial Narrow]

[/font]


OFFICE

ARITHMETIC




Smart

boss

+ smart employee = profit




Smart

boss

+ dumb employee =

production




Dumb

boss

+ smart employee =

promotion




Dumb

boss

+ dumb employee =

overtime




[fo

nt=Arial Narrow]

[/font]


SHOPPING

MATH




A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he

needs.




A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't

need.




[fo

nt=Arial Narrow]

[/font]


GENERAL EQUATIONS &

STATISTICS




A woman worries about the future until she gets a

husband.




A man never worries about the future until he gets a

wife.




A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can

spend.




A successful woman is one who can find such a

man.




[fo

nt=Arial Narrow]

[/font]


HAPPINESS


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love

him a little.




To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try

to understand her at all.




[fo

nt=Arial Narrow]

[/font]


LONGEVITY


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are

a lot more willing to die.




[fo

nt=Arial Narrow]

[/font]


PROPENSITY TO

CHANGE




A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he

doesn't.




A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and

she does.




[fo

nt=Arial Narrow]

[/font]


DISCUSSION

TECHNIQUE




A woman has the last word in any

argument.




Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new

argument.




[fo

nt=Arial Narrow]

[/font]


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING

MARRIED




Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and

cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at

funerals.

[SweetBrenda]

Dave

works hard at the plant and spends most evenings

bowling or playing

basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local

strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks

if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a

waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and

brings over a Budweiser.
His

wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the

Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her

arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says
"Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big

boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting

into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperately to explain how the

stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of

it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every

4

letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
"Geez Dave, you

picked up a real bitch this time".:smite:

[SweetBrenda]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were

walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool

and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the

director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her mentally

stable.



When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad

news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping

in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news

is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved

him.

I am sorry, but he's dead."





Edna replied, "He didn't

hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" :run:

[SweetBrenda]

Two brooms were hanging in

the closet and after a while they got to know
each other so well, they decided to get married.



One broom was, of course,

the bride broom, the other the groom broom.



The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom
was handsome and suave in

his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.



After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and
said to the groom-broom, "I

think I am going to have a little whisk
broom!!!"



"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the

groom broom.




Are you ready for this?


Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.













Keep going on down.






































"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT

TOGETHER!"