MOBLEYC57
02-28-2005, 08:40 PM
Alway hoping something
in here plucks that cord that makes ya go "Ha ha! Chuckle chuckle! Giggle giggle!" :wave:
TIL DEATH DO THEY
PART! :rant:
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the
husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and
fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his
book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some
encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and
asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?
His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was
foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all, dear.
His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you
doing then!?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
SHE CALLS IT A GROWLER
:box:
Wee Hughie is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he
realizes she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you
looking at my pretty growler?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Wee Hughie, and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's
quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough
the growler blows him a kiss.
Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the growler can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Wee Hughie stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.
"Come
and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Wee Hughie moves over, and sits beside her. She looks him
in the eyes as she raises a leg up to rest her foot on the seat, putting her growler on display, and asks, "Would
you please stick a couple of fingers in there for me?"
Stunned, Wee Hughie replies, "Good grief! Can it
whistle, too!!?"
PRIESTS ARE MEN TOO!! :nono:
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the
priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so
serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels, front rolls, on your way to the altar.
THE GOOD LORD :drunk:
An elderly couple arrives at the doctor's office for their yearly physicals.
One
at a time, the doctor brings them into the examining room, starting with the husband.
"Well, Mr. Smith, you're
in great shape for a man your age," says the doctor.
To which the man replies, "Well, Doc, I don't smoke, I
don't drink and the good Lord looks out for me."
"What do you mean?" asks the doctor.
The old man
replies, "Well, for instance, last night I got up from bed to use the bathroom, and it was the good Lord who turned
on the light for me so I wouldn't fall down."
"That's nice," says the doctor, somewhat confused. "Would you
please send your wife in now?"
The wife comes in and the doctor says, "Mrs. Smith, you're in great shape for a
woman your age."
To which she responds, "Well I ought to be. I don't smoke, I don't drink...."
The
doctor interjects, "And the good Lord looks after you, right? Your husband just said the same thing."
"What are
you talking about?" asks the bewildered woman.
"Your husband was just telling me that very same thing. He said
the good Lord looks out for him. For example, last night when he got out of bed to use the bathroom, the good Lord
turned on the light for him."
"Damn it!!" she yells, "I knew that bastard was pissing in the fridge again!!!"
WHAT DO YOU THINK? :rant:
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come
nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through
the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth and pride.
"I think you're f#cking bad luck!!!"
LITTLE JOHNNY :blink:
Little Johnny watched
the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The
first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third
worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the
results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
The third worm in
sperm - dead.
The fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class, "What can you learn
from this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and have
sex, you won't have worms!
PUN INTENDED!:whip:
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference
between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes
Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and
good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and
a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no
intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What
do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old
ladies? A Bingo machine.
Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex, too.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once
upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."
REAL GUILT, YES?
:think:
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's
gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and
depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will
power and resolve in this matter?"
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterward."
POOR LITTLE BIRDY (A Classic):run:
Once upon a time, there was a
guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was
reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the
guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in
tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach,
this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach,
found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied,
"To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its
nest on fire."
Ya'll have a good one, ya hear!! :wave:
in here plucks that cord that makes ya go "Ha ha! Chuckle chuckle! Giggle giggle!" :wave:
TIL DEATH DO THEY
PART! :rant:
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the
husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and
fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his
book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some
encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and
asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?
His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was
foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all, dear.
His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you
doing then!?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
SHE CALLS IT A GROWLER
:box:
Wee Hughie is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he
realizes she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you
looking at my pretty growler?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Wee Hughie, and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's
quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough
the growler blows him a kiss.
Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the growler can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Wee Hughie stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.
"Come
and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Wee Hughie moves over, and sits beside her. She looks him
in the eyes as she raises a leg up to rest her foot on the seat, putting her growler on display, and asks, "Would
you please stick a couple of fingers in there for me?"
Stunned, Wee Hughie replies, "Good grief! Can it
whistle, too!!?"
PRIESTS ARE MEN TOO!! :nono:
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the
priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so
serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels, front rolls, on your way to the altar.
THE GOOD LORD :drunk:
An elderly couple arrives at the doctor's office for their yearly physicals.
One
at a time, the doctor brings them into the examining room, starting with the husband.
"Well, Mr. Smith, you're
in great shape for a man your age," says the doctor.
To which the man replies, "Well, Doc, I don't smoke, I
don't drink and the good Lord looks out for me."
"What do you mean?" asks the doctor.
The old man
replies, "Well, for instance, last night I got up from bed to use the bathroom, and it was the good Lord who turned
on the light for me so I wouldn't fall down."
"That's nice," says the doctor, somewhat confused. "Would you
please send your wife in now?"
The wife comes in and the doctor says, "Mrs. Smith, you're in great shape for a
woman your age."
To which she responds, "Well I ought to be. I don't smoke, I don't drink...."
The
doctor interjects, "And the good Lord looks after you, right? Your husband just said the same thing."
"What are
you talking about?" asks the bewildered woman.
"Your husband was just telling me that very same thing. He said
the good Lord looks out for him. For example, last night when he got out of bed to use the bathroom, the good Lord
turned on the light for him."
"Damn it!!" she yells, "I knew that bastard was pissing in the fridge again!!!"
WHAT DO YOU THINK? :rant:
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come
nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through
the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth and pride.
"I think you're f#cking bad luck!!!"
LITTLE JOHNNY :blink:
Little Johnny watched
the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The
first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third
worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the
results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
The third worm in
sperm - dead.
The fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class, "What can you learn
from this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and have
sex, you won't have worms!
PUN INTENDED!:whip:
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference
between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes
Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and
good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and
a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no
intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What
do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old
ladies? A Bingo machine.
Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex, too.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once
upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."
REAL GUILT, YES?
:think:
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's
gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and
depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will
power and resolve in this matter?"
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterward."
POOR LITTLE BIRDY (A Classic):run:
Once upon a time, there was a
guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was
reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the
guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in
tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach,
this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach,
found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied,
"To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its
nest on fire."
Ya'll have a good one, ya hear!! :wave: