MOBLEYC57
02-18-2005, 04:23 PM
Howdy! :wave: Cream and lots of sugar
please....
THE DOC
KNOWS!
"Doctor," the
embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her
back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the
following day. The doctor greeted the couple and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas."
The
woman obliged and removed her clothing.
"Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I
see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."
While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor
took the husband aside. "Not to worry … you're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife doesn’t give me a
hard-on either!!"
BIG GAME
HUNTERS
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in
Alaska.
They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the
pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those
animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
"That's baloney!"
says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "You're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two
moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his
plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I
can fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't
have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up,
scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and
dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out
from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, "I'd say ... About a hundred yards further than last
year."
ARE YOU FASTER THAN YOUR
BUDDY?
Two campers where hiking in the
forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.
Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to
put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What in
the hell are you doing!!? You can't outrun a bear!!!"
His friend looks up at him and replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I
just have to outrun you!"
A MULE FOR
THOUGHT!
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who
made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he
was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of
nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and
killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister
noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and
spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached
Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to
side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "The women
all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty. I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all
asked me, if I wanted to sell my mule!?"
SOUNDS FAMILIAR?
A guy
walks up to a beautiful girl in a supermarket and asks, "Excuse me, but I lost my girl friend, would you mind
standing here and talking to me for a few minutes?"
The girl says, "I guess, but I don't see how it would help
any."
The guy replies, "Well you see, every time I meet a beautiful woman with boobs like yours, my girlfriend
appears out of no were!"
UNBORN
IDENTITY
One day two cows were chatting over
the fence between their two fields. The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty
scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Bill's land just down the
road!"
The second cow replied, "Who cares!? It doesn't
affect us chickens!"
THE WIFE’S
TEST
Bill's wife goes out to buy a car.
The salesman says, I recommend this one. She asks why. The salesman says, "Because it has hydraulic backspin brakes.
Get in and I'll show you."
He drives the car 100 miles and hour toward a brick wall, and when he's 100 feet
away he jams on the brakes. They stop a foot from the wall. The salesman says, "Do you smell that?" She takes a
sniff and says, "Uh-huh." The salesman says proudly, "That's hydraulic backspin brakes."
That night when Bill
gets home, his wife says, "Dear, I bought a car."
Bill asks, "How did you decide which kind to buy?" She says, "I
bought one with hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I'll show you."
They get in, and she drives 100 miles an
hour toward the same brick wall. When they are 100 feet away from it she jams on the brakes, and they stop one foot
from the wall. She looks over at her husband and says. "Do you smell that?"
Bill says, "I ought to! I'm
sitting in it!!"
THE FLYING
TURTLE
Deep within a forest a little turtle
began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and
crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly
climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds
sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally,
the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time that we tell him he's really
adopted."
Do have a safe
weekend, and please, try and behave!:run:
please....
THE DOC
KNOWS!
"Doctor," the
embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her
back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the
following day. The doctor greeted the couple and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas."
The
woman obliged and removed her clothing.
"Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I
see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."
While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor
took the husband aside. "Not to worry … you're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife doesn’t give me a
hard-on either!!"
BIG GAME
HUNTERS
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in
Alaska.
They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the
pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those
animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
"That's baloney!"
says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "You're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two
moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his
plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I
can fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't
have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up,
scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and
dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out
from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, "I'd say ... About a hundred yards further than last
year."
ARE YOU FASTER THAN YOUR
BUDDY?
Two campers where hiking in the
forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.
Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to
put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What in
the hell are you doing!!? You can't outrun a bear!!!"
His friend looks up at him and replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I
just have to outrun you!"
A MULE FOR
THOUGHT!
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who
made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he
was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of
nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and
killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister
noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and
spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached
Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to
side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "The women
all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty. I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all
asked me, if I wanted to sell my mule!?"
SOUNDS FAMILIAR?
A guy
walks up to a beautiful girl in a supermarket and asks, "Excuse me, but I lost my girl friend, would you mind
standing here and talking to me for a few minutes?"
The girl says, "I guess, but I don't see how it would help
any."
The guy replies, "Well you see, every time I meet a beautiful woman with boobs like yours, my girlfriend
appears out of no were!"
UNBORN
IDENTITY
One day two cows were chatting over
the fence between their two fields. The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty
scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Bill's land just down the
road!"
The second cow replied, "Who cares!? It doesn't
affect us chickens!"
THE WIFE’S
TEST
Bill's wife goes out to buy a car.
The salesman says, I recommend this one. She asks why. The salesman says, "Because it has hydraulic backspin brakes.
Get in and I'll show you."
He drives the car 100 miles and hour toward a brick wall, and when he's 100 feet
away he jams on the brakes. They stop a foot from the wall. The salesman says, "Do you smell that?" She takes a
sniff and says, "Uh-huh." The salesman says proudly, "That's hydraulic backspin brakes."
That night when Bill
gets home, his wife says, "Dear, I bought a car."
Bill asks, "How did you decide which kind to buy?" She says, "I
bought one with hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I'll show you."
They get in, and she drives 100 miles an
hour toward the same brick wall. When they are 100 feet away from it she jams on the brakes, and they stop one foot
from the wall. She looks over at her husband and says. "Do you smell that?"
Bill says, "I ought to! I'm
sitting in it!!"
THE FLYING
TURTLE
Deep within a forest a little turtle
began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and
crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly
climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds
sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally,
the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time that we tell him he's really
adopted."
Do have a safe
weekend, and please, try and behave!:run: