MOBLEYC57
02-11-2005, 01:22 PM
Thank God, tis Friday!
THE POWER OF BEER :cheers:
A herd of
buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest
ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the
same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all
know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way,
regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
SCENT OF A WOMAN:run:
An old Italian woman is
riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the
elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly
Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns
to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian
woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful
women in the eye, she bends over, and farts.......
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
SHERLOCK HOLMES & DR.
WATSON :blink:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of
wine, they were exhausted, entered their tent, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his
faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions
and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was
silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
DRUNK? :trout:
I'm Not Drunk!!
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of
each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with
the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the
exception of one glass, which I drank.
Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with
it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured
the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of
it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the
bottle.
Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had
everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the
other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in
one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as
thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
I'm not drunk you shilly sit!
ASK THE TURKEY! :box:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I
would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch
of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a week, there he
was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the
tree.
Moral of the story: Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.
:lovestruc :lovestruc BE MY VALENTINE, BABYCAKES! :lovestruc :lovestruc
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
If you were here right
now ... I'd do you!
THE POWER OF BEER :cheers:
A herd of
buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest
ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the
same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all
know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way,
regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
SCENT OF A WOMAN:run:
An old Italian woman is
riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the
elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly
Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns
to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian
woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful
women in the eye, she bends over, and farts.......
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
SHERLOCK HOLMES & DR.
WATSON :blink:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of
wine, they were exhausted, entered their tent, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his
faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions
and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was
silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
DRUNK? :trout:
I'm Not Drunk!!
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of
each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with
the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the
exception of one glass, which I drank.
Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with
it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured
the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of
it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the
bottle.
Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had
everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the
other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in
one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as
thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
I'm not drunk you shilly sit!
ASK THE TURKEY! :box:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I
would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch
of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a week, there he
was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the
tree.
Moral of the story: Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.
:lovestruc :lovestruc BE MY VALENTINE, BABYCAKES! :lovestruc :lovestruc
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
If you were here right
now ... I'd do you!