View Full Version : Systems Analyst
Resolution
02-05-2005, 01:00 PM
Dear Systems
Analyst,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
and
found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also
took up a lot of space and valuable
resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0
Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems
initialization,where it monitors all other system activities. Applications
such as
"Boys'Night Out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run,and crash the system whenever selected.
Attempting to
operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails
and"Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead. I cannot seem to keep
Wife
1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications.
I am thinking of going
back to "Girlfriend7.0", but de-installing
doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
... AND THIS
IS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID:
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding.
Many Customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife
1.0 is Merely a
UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run
everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back
to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0
was not designed to do this and it is
Impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
system
once it is installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have
ended up with even
more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support
and Solicitors' Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself,
I recommend you keep it installed
and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems
occur,whatever you think has caused them, you must run the
C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME
program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key.
It may be necessary to run C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME a number of times,and eventually hope
that the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0, although a very high-maintenance programme, can be
very
rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional
software such as" Flowers 2.0"and
"Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\KISSES
600.0" or"TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "EatingOutWithout
The Kids
7.2.1" (if child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short
Skirt
Version)
or "OneNight Stand 3.2" (any version), as this is not a supported
application for Wife 1.0 and the
system will almost certainly crash.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst
Resolution
02-05-2005, 01:01 PM
After her business goes bust,
a blonde woman named Sharon finds herself in dire financial trouble – so desperate, in fact, that she resorts to
praying. ‘God, please help me,’ she wails. ‘I've lost my business, and if I don't get some money, I'm going to
lose my car as well. Please let me win the lottery.’ Saturday night comes, and Sharon watches aghast as someone else
wins it. Again, she begins to pray: ‘God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my car, and I'm
going to lose my house as well.’ Next Saturday night comes, and Sharon still has no luck. Once again, she prays.
‘God, why haven't you helped me?’ she cries, angrily. ‘I've lost my business, my house, my car and now my children
are starving. I’ve always been a good servant to you – PLEASE let me win the lottery just this once, so I can get my
life back in order.’ Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open above, and Sharon is
confronted with the glowing, ethereal vision of God Himself. ‘Sharon,’ he booms. ‘Meet me halfway on this. Buy a
ticket.’
Resolution
02-05-2005, 01:02 PM
Two old guys are
pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about
that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy
says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a
little desperate The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
T he
second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing
short shorts. What does > your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Never mind; let's look for
yours."
Resolution
02-05-2005, 01:02 PM
A blonde, wanting to
earn some extra money, decided to hire
herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house,
and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her
to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he
said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she
would need
were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she
realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been
getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're
finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so gave it two
coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way,"
the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Resolution
02-05-2005, 01:03 PM
Two old ladies were
outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a
condom, cut off the
end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A
condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any
pharmacist. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local pharmacist and announces to the pharmacist that she
wants a box of condoms. The bloke, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80
years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Resolution
02-05-2005, 01:05 PM
A male co-worker walks up
very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore. She takes
her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel
department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources
supervisor is puzzled by this decision
and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your
hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Paul, the midget."
Resolution
02-05-2005, 01:09 PM
A warning for women and
advice for men
This is one Very smart man!!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men
think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown
into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were
getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want
you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet
dreads to hear: "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical
needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do
for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next
day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping
at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive
outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said 'lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery dept, where she
picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you -- she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave
short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement; smiling with excited anticipation she finally said,
"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then
said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial
needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Resolution
02-05-2005, 01:10 PM
A man finds out his wife is
having an affair and full of saddness and anger he hires a hitman.
One day, when he knows his wife is due for a
visit from her lover, the husband and the highly trained sniper walk to a local golf course where they have a
perfect view of the house and sure enough when the hitman looks down his sights into the bedroom he sees the couple
making love.
"i have them in my sights, are you sure you want to go through with this? Its £1000 a bullet"
"yes,
i'm positive i want you to shoot my wife in the head with one shot and take the other mans ***** off with the
second"
The assasin takes careful aim which seems to last for ever then says to the husband "hang on a minute
mate, i think i can do this in one shot"
Resolution
02-05-2005, 01:12 PM
A prisoner escapes from his
California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He
finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and
starts kissing her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his
wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not
seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants to go all the way, don't resist, don't
complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will
kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be
strong, honey. I love you too...
Resolution
02-05-2005, 01:16 PM
Ths US trade gap soared to to
$55.8B.
Oh, no, that's fact rather than a joke. OK, try this one:
A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS
A
man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a
beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said,
"Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You *******!
You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your
slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh crap,
it's started"
Resolution
02-05-2005, 01:17 PM
ARE WOMEN HARD TO
PLEASE???
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many
men. It was laid out in five floors,with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule
was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you
couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping
centre to find some husbands...
First floor:
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and
love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I
wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor:
The sign read, "These men have high paying
jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor:
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids
and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting. But there was another floor, so further up they
went.
Fourth floor:
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried,
"Just think what must be waiting us further on!". So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor:
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f * cking
impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
Resolution
02-05-2005, 01:22 PM
My girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year when we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged
me. My
girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one
thing was her younger
sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts,
and low cut blouses. She
would regularly bend down when near me, and I got
many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.
She never
did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and
she had feelings and
desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me
that she wanted to make love to me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in
total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs
to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead
with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When
she
reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment,
then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight
toward my
car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to
the family!"
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.2 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.