MOBLEYC57
02-01-2005, 03:11 PM
THE RIGHT WORDS
WILL WORK EVERYTIME!
A man wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a glass of water and two aspirins on the side table.
He sits down and sees
his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it in perfect order. So's
the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirin, and notices a note on the table that reads, "Honey, breakfast is on
the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the
morning paper are awaiting him.
His son is also at the table, eating. "Son, what happened last night," he
asked.
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in
the hallway, pissed in the corner of the kitchen, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."
Confused, the man asked, "So why is everything in order and so clean, with food on the table waiting for
me?"
His son replied, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you,
you shouted, 'LADY GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, I'M MARRIED!'"
CLASSES FOR MEN AT YOUR LOCAL ADULT
LEARNING CENTER
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY
OF THEIR CONTENTS, EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH.
TOPIC 1 - HOW TO FILL UP
THE ICE CUBE TRAYS. Step by step, with slide presentation.
TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE
HOLDERS? Round table discussion.
TOPIC 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP
AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB? Group practice.
TOPIC 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE
LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND
SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK? Examples on video.
TOPIC 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY:
LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Helpline support and support groups.
TOPIC 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND
THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open
forum.
TOPIC 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE. Online class and role playing.
TOPIC 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING
COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY:
Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral
shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
**UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE
ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.
WHAT A HEN!
Harry did like he always does, kissing
his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl
standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked.
"This is
not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead?
I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a
nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the
rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How
does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the
rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?"
Harry asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good
for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again
and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he
heard his wife shout:
"Harry, for Gods sake! Wake up! You're shcitting all over the bed!" :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:rofl:
WILL WORK EVERYTIME!
A man wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a glass of water and two aspirins on the side table.
He sits down and sees
his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it in perfect order. So's
the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirin, and notices a note on the table that reads, "Honey, breakfast is on
the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the
morning paper are awaiting him.
His son is also at the table, eating. "Son, what happened last night," he
asked.
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in
the hallway, pissed in the corner of the kitchen, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."
Confused, the man asked, "So why is everything in order and so clean, with food on the table waiting for
me?"
His son replied, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you,
you shouted, 'LADY GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, I'M MARRIED!'"
CLASSES FOR MEN AT YOUR LOCAL ADULT
LEARNING CENTER
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY
OF THEIR CONTENTS, EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH.
TOPIC 1 - HOW TO FILL UP
THE ICE CUBE TRAYS. Step by step, with slide presentation.
TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE
HOLDERS? Round table discussion.
TOPIC 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP
AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB? Group practice.
TOPIC 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE
LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND
SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK? Examples on video.
TOPIC 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY:
LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Helpline support and support groups.
TOPIC 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND
THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open
forum.
TOPIC 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE. Online class and role playing.
TOPIC 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING
COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY:
Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral
shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
**UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE
ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.
WHAT A HEN!
Harry did like he always does, kissing
his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl
standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked.
"This is
not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead?
I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a
nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the
rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How
does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the
rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?"
Harry asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good
for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again
and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he
heard his wife shout:
"Harry, for Gods sake! Wake up! You're shcitting all over the bed!" :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:rofl: