MOBLEYC57
01-05-2005, 10:26 PM
You won't
bustagut, but you should crack smile here and there while sipping on yer coffee. :thumbsup:
$20?
One day, a man
comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her
to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to
me."
Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.
The next day, he
comes home and greets his wife.
When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious
foods.
Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money.
She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her
skirt. "See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the
butcher."
ELDERLY
SMARTS!
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went
to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to
hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, hell nawh! I
haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five
times!"
TAKE THIS JOB
AND SHUVE IT!
Three nuns
decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore; how do we quit?"
The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."
So the nuns left, each of them
thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time.
The mother
said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?"
And the nun said "I stole a kid's bike."
The mother
said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water."
When the nun did, she was no longer a nun and she left
the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The nun replied,
"I slept with a married man!"
The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
When the nun did, she was no
longer a nun and she left the convent.
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you
do?"
The third nun said proudly, "Pissed in the holy water!"
A DRUNK MAN’S STORY
A man
had just opened a restaurant but he couldn't think of a name. So he decided to name it after the third person that
walks in.
The third person walks in and the guy asked for her
name.
She said "Jill."
"Well Jill, you have nice
legs."
So the guy named the restaurant "Jill's Legs."
A week later a drunk was laying on the sidewalk
outside the restaurant when a police officer asked him what he was doing. He answered, "I'm waiting for Jill's Legs to open, so I can get me a bite to
eat."
KIDS!
A little kid sees
his dad naked for the first time as he gets out of the shower.
"WOW! What is that, daddy?", asks the little boy,
pointing to his dad's crotch.
"Son ... that's a ... a hedgehog." answers the embarrassed parent.
"Shit! It
sure has a big cock, doesn't it??" said the
kid.
EDUCATION IS OVER
RATED
The farm had
been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting
her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make,
Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."
The old man shook his head sadly, tears starts to roll down his face … he
said, "Damn! After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say
ain't!"
BIG FEET
A lady went into
a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen!
The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"
The cowboy grinned and said,
"Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted
to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing,
he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The
woman replied, "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some smaller boots that
fit!!"
AN OLD
PIMP?
An 70 year
old couple was short of cash, so the husband decided to send his wife out, on the game, to earn some extra money.
The old girl was gone for 4 days and she came home looking exhausted and put $149.50 on the table.
Her
indignant husband said: "Which miserable bastard gave you 50 cents?"
She replied: "They all
did."
A CARPENTER'S WORK IS NEVER
DONE!
A carpenter gets called to do some work at the
local house of ill repute. The madam of the house explains that she wants him to build a partition to divide one of
the larger rooms into two smaller rooms.
The carpenter spends all day building the partition and when he's done
he gives the madam a bill for $300.
The madam smiles and says, "We usually pay all our bills around her in
trade."
"Sorry ma'am" replies the carpenter, "it's $300 cash or this partition comes out."
"But you can
have some fun with any girl here," explains the madam. "That's worth more than $300."
"Sorry ma'am," replies
the carpenter, 'it's $300 cash or this partition comes out."
"But my girls can fulfill your every desire.
Choose any girl you like."
The carpenter thinks a while and then says, "You said any girl I want. Does that
include you?"
The madam smiles seductively, "Why yes of course" and she starts to disrobe. Once she is naked on
the bed the carpenter slowly and gently inserts his thumb deep into her 'front opening'. She sighs and moans with
pleasure.
Then the carpenter carefully inserts his middle finger deep into her 'rear opening'. The madam is
writhing in ecstasy.
Then the carpenter suddenly clamps his thumb and finger together and says, "Like I was
saying, it's $300 cash or this partition comes out!"
CHRISTMAS 2004
REVISITED!
Three men
died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint
Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man
fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You
may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's
panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
bustagut, but you should crack smile here and there while sipping on yer coffee. :thumbsup:
$20?
One day, a man
comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her
to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to
me."
Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.
The next day, he
comes home and greets his wife.
When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious
foods.
Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money.
She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her
skirt. "See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the
butcher."
ELDERLY
SMARTS!
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went
to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to
hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, hell nawh! I
haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five
times!"
TAKE THIS JOB
AND SHUVE IT!
Three nuns
decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore; how do we quit?"
The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."
So the nuns left, each of them
thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time.
The mother
said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?"
And the nun said "I stole a kid's bike."
The mother
said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water."
When the nun did, she was no longer a nun and she left
the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The nun replied,
"I slept with a married man!"
The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
When the nun did, she was no
longer a nun and she left the convent.
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you
do?"
The third nun said proudly, "Pissed in the holy water!"
A DRUNK MAN’S STORY
A man
had just opened a restaurant but he couldn't think of a name. So he decided to name it after the third person that
walks in.
The third person walks in and the guy asked for her
name.
She said "Jill."
"Well Jill, you have nice
legs."
So the guy named the restaurant "Jill's Legs."
A week later a drunk was laying on the sidewalk
outside the restaurant when a police officer asked him what he was doing. He answered, "I'm waiting for Jill's Legs to open, so I can get me a bite to
eat."
KIDS!
A little kid sees
his dad naked for the first time as he gets out of the shower.
"WOW! What is that, daddy?", asks the little boy,
pointing to his dad's crotch.
"Son ... that's a ... a hedgehog." answers the embarrassed parent.
"Shit! It
sure has a big cock, doesn't it??" said the
kid.
EDUCATION IS OVER
RATED
The farm had
been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting
her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make,
Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."
The old man shook his head sadly, tears starts to roll down his face … he
said, "Damn! After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say
ain't!"
BIG FEET
A lady went into
a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen!
The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"
The cowboy grinned and said,
"Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted
to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing,
he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The
woman replied, "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some smaller boots that
fit!!"
AN OLD
PIMP?
An 70 year
old couple was short of cash, so the husband decided to send his wife out, on the game, to earn some extra money.
The old girl was gone for 4 days and she came home looking exhausted and put $149.50 on the table.
Her
indignant husband said: "Which miserable bastard gave you 50 cents?"
She replied: "They all
did."
A CARPENTER'S WORK IS NEVER
DONE!
A carpenter gets called to do some work at the
local house of ill repute. The madam of the house explains that she wants him to build a partition to divide one of
the larger rooms into two smaller rooms.
The carpenter spends all day building the partition and when he's done
he gives the madam a bill for $300.
The madam smiles and says, "We usually pay all our bills around her in
trade."
"Sorry ma'am" replies the carpenter, "it's $300 cash or this partition comes out."
"But you can
have some fun with any girl here," explains the madam. "That's worth more than $300."
"Sorry ma'am," replies
the carpenter, 'it's $300 cash or this partition comes out."
"But my girls can fulfill your every desire.
Choose any girl you like."
The carpenter thinks a while and then says, "You said any girl I want. Does that
include you?"
The madam smiles seductively, "Why yes of course" and she starts to disrobe. Once she is naked on
the bed the carpenter slowly and gently inserts his thumb deep into her 'front opening'. She sighs and moans with
pleasure.
Then the carpenter carefully inserts his middle finger deep into her 'rear opening'. The madam is
writhing in ecstasy.
Then the carpenter suddenly clamps his thumb and finger together and says, "Like I was
saying, it's $300 cash or this partition comes out!"
CHRISTMAS 2004
REVISITED!
Three men
died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint
Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man
fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You
may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's
panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".