MOBLEYC57
10-22-2004, 09:27 PM
Howdy! :wave: Lots of reading to go with your Saturday morning's cup of
coffee....
GOLDEN RULES OF
LIFE :wub: :lovestruc :wub:
1.
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential
words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you
get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's
still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask
yourself, “Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?”
9. Never pass up an
opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living
well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the
other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be
really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your
bedpan.
CHECK PLEASE :cheers: :cheers:
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost
twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for the night. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they
check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the
charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it is a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The manager
appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center
that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well,
they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the
shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"
the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them,
and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and
gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check
is only made out for $50.00."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could
have."
WHEN LIFE
SUCKS:rant:
A cucumber, a pickle and a penis were all sitting
around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.
The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. Whenever I
get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."
So, the pickle looks at him and says, "You
think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me and sticks
me in a jar."
The penis glared at them both and said, "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big,
fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall
until I throw up and pass
out."
BLONDE?:drunk:
A married man was having an affair with
his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate
love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m.
As the man threw
on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when
he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've
been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."
The wife glanced down at his
shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing
golf!!"
NEW EQUIPMENT:whip:
Jack goes to
the doctor and says "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"
After a complete
examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged.
There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks
sadly, "And that would be?"
"Well," the Doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk
of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought
of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
Jack went under the knife,
and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the
Doc pronounced Jack, "Healed and ready for action."
Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack
planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a
happy conclusion to the evening.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to
the point of being painful.
To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly.
His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed
a bread roll and then returned to his pants!
His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the
possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again!!?"
Jack
groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my
as$!."
MEDI
CATING YOUR CAT :frustrate
1.
Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo
confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from
under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down
with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get
new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat).
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat
firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right
hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head
is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging
on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say
sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is
it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back
large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs
over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat).
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for
no man - or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw
hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's
done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie
down.
Hoping your cup was a good'ole good'un! :wave:
coffee....
GOLDEN RULES OF
LIFE :wub: :lovestruc :wub:
1.
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential
words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you
get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's
still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask
yourself, “Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?”
9. Never pass up an
opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living
well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the
other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be
really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your
bedpan.
CHECK PLEASE :cheers: :cheers:
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost
twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for the night. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they
check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the
charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it is a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The manager
appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center
that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well,
they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the
shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"
the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them,
and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and
gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check
is only made out for $50.00."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could
have."
WHEN LIFE
SUCKS:rant:
A cucumber, a pickle and a penis were all sitting
around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.
The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. Whenever I
get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."
So, the pickle looks at him and says, "You
think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me and sticks
me in a jar."
The penis glared at them both and said, "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big,
fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall
until I throw up and pass
out."
BLONDE?:drunk:
A married man was having an affair with
his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate
love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m.
As the man threw
on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when
he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've
been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."
The wife glanced down at his
shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing
golf!!"
NEW EQUIPMENT:whip:
Jack goes to
the doctor and says "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"
After a complete
examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged.
There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks
sadly, "And that would be?"
"Well," the Doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk
of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought
of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
Jack went under the knife,
and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the
Doc pronounced Jack, "Healed and ready for action."
Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack
planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a
happy conclusion to the evening.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to
the point of being painful.
To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly.
His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed
a bread roll and then returned to his pants!
His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the
possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again!!?"
Jack
groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my
as$!."
MEDI
CATING YOUR CAT :frustrate
1.
Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo
confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from
under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down
with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get
new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat).
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat
firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right
hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head
is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging
on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say
sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is
it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back
large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs
over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat).
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for
no man - or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw
hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's
done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie
down.
Hoping your cup was a good'ole good'un! :wave: