Various Jokes*~

[SweetBrenda]

*Why

don't witches wear panties?
*Better grip on the broom. :lol:



_____________________________


Picture perfect
A

husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ." The wife

said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it." :hammer:


______________________________

Family Reunion
You know your a

redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a girlfriend.
______________________________

[SweetBrenda]

Penis

Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into

everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid

overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me

to contagious diseases



Dear Penis,

After assessing your

request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following

reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period


You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often

visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working


You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety

regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're

unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's

work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2

suspicious looking bags. Sincerely,
The Management


Amen:lol:

[SweetBrenda]

A young punk

gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old

man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His

clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are

riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green

feathers.

The old man glares at the young punk for him for the
next ten miles, as the

bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What

are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without

missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in

Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
:lol:

[SweetBrenda]

An 80 year old

man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and to get some action. He noticed one hooker in particular and

started flirting with her. The prostitute quickly became annoyed and yelled, "Get lost old man! You're ruining

business!"

"Sure would like to get some action tonight," blurted the old man.

"You've got to be kidding!

You're too old! You're all finished!"

"What did you say?" asked the geezer.

"You heard me! You're all

finished!"

"Oh, dear," replied the old man, as he reached into his pocket, "how much do I owe you?"


:LOL:

[SweetBrenda]

Jim and

Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim

suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to

save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act

she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally

stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is

you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of

another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you

saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's

dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
:LOL:

[SweetBrenda]

Subject: Storyious Interruptus
Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.

Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so

exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"

Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw

Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he

helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"



At this point Mommy cut him off and said,

"Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look

on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At

the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story about the car going into

the woods, the undressing, Aunt Jane laying down on the back seat. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same

thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."



Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story

before you interrupt!

:run:

[SweetBrenda]

Q.

What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him

again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A.

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do

little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it

take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around

him.
OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing

part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the

pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because

not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after

mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on

the toilet?
A. So they know which end to wipe.

Q. What is the difference between men and

women..
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one

need.

Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction

manuals."
:hammer: :LOL:

[SweetBrenda]

What did One

saggy boob said to the other saggy boob?


"If we don't get

some support soon,

people will think we're nuts.":rofl:

[ManBeast]

ROFLMAO!!! That's a good one

Brenda.

MB