MOBLEYC57
10-08-2004, 07:47 PM
A PARROT’S TALE:thumbsup:
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a
pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have
any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way,"
says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually
understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent
and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without
any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap
my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my
feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both
Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The
guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says, "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the
guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an
offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational.
He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over
with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot,
"but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the
mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on
the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on
your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly
going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off.... I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my f#cking
perch!!"
WHAT A
COINICIDENCE:rant:
A man went into a local tavern and took a
seat at the bar next to a female patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating too".
She clinked glasses with him and said, "What
are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For months all my hens were infertile, but today
they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence," the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a
child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant. How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I
switched cocks." he replied.
"What a coincidence," she
said.
THAT LITTLE JOHNNY FELLA:frustrate
One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and
the teacher said, "Johnny, do you have your report done?"
He replied, "No ma'am."
She said, "If you don't
have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a call to your parents."
As Johnny is walking home from school
he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing, one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and
the other one rams its head right up its ass.
Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying
to himself, "This is going to be my report."
The next day at school the teacher says, "Johnny, do you have your
report done?"
He says, "Sure do." He goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw.
"Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up
the other's as$!"
The teacher says, "Johnny, we don't use the word 'as$' in the classroom, it's rectum."
Johnny said, "Recked ‘em!!? Hell, it damn near killed
'em!!"
COMPLIMENTS OF THE MORGUE:rasp:
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get
to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten
his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"
The man said, "No problem." With
that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried
them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."
The
speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more
pair... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank
you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "Oh
I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.."
BEFORE IT STARTS:nono:
A man came home from work, sat down in his
favorite chair, turned on the TV,
and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked
a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's
gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said,
"Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize
that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh sh!t, it's
started."
A LITTLE Q & A:LOL:
What is a man's most embarrassing moment??
When he walks into a wall with an erection and breaks his
nose.
Hope yall are having a
niiiiiiiiice weekend! :cheers:
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a
pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have
any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way,"
says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually
understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent
and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without
any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap
my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my
feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both
Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The
guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says, "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the
guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an
offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational.
He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over
with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot,
"but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the
mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on
the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on
your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly
going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off.... I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my f#cking
perch!!"
WHAT A
COINICIDENCE:rant:
A man went into a local tavern and took a
seat at the bar next to a female patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating too".
She clinked glasses with him and said, "What
are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For months all my hens were infertile, but today
they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence," the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a
child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant. How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I
switched cocks." he replied.
"What a coincidence," she
said.
THAT LITTLE JOHNNY FELLA:frustrate
One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and
the teacher said, "Johnny, do you have your report done?"
He replied, "No ma'am."
She said, "If you don't
have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a call to your parents."
As Johnny is walking home from school
he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing, one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and
the other one rams its head right up its ass.
Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying
to himself, "This is going to be my report."
The next day at school the teacher says, "Johnny, do you have your
report done?"
He says, "Sure do." He goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw.
"Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up
the other's as$!"
The teacher says, "Johnny, we don't use the word 'as$' in the classroom, it's rectum."
Johnny said, "Recked ‘em!!? Hell, it damn near killed
'em!!"
COMPLIMENTS OF THE MORGUE:rasp:
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get
to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten
his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"
The man said, "No problem." With
that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried
them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."
The
speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more
pair... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank
you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "Oh
I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.."
BEFORE IT STARTS:nono:
A man came home from work, sat down in his
favorite chair, turned on the TV,
and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked
a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's
gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said,
"Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize
that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh sh!t, it's
started."
A LITTLE Q & A:LOL:
What is a man's most embarrassing moment??
When he walks into a wall with an erection and breaks his
nose.
Hope yall are having a
niiiiiiiiice weekend! :cheers: