MOBLEYC57
08-21-2004, 01:46 PM
Howdy...this should go well with a good cup of coffee, or........what...everrrrrrrrr:rasp:
LIKE FATHER, LIKE
SON? NOT! :think:
There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left
to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine. A week later he returned from his trip
looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his father.
"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the
missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted,"
the boy replied.
"Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the university
he went.
A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?"
asked his son.
"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got
them all wrong but one."
"Gee, Dad. Which question was that?"
"The question was...," started the father,
"What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"
"That's easy", the son
replied. "The answer is pulse."
"Dammit!!," said the father," I got that one wrong as well."
AN OLYMPIAN
DOESN'T DO IT FOR HER :rant:
John came home from work one afternoon, and being horny as hell took his
beautiful girlfriend, Suzy, upstairs to the bedroom. He proceeded to undress her, but before he took his pants off,
he removed a packet of condoms from his pocket. "What are those?" Suzy asked.
"Olympic condoms" replied John.
"What makes them Olympic?" Suzy asked.
"There are three colors, gold, silver and bronze," said John.
"Which color are you planning to wear tonight?" asked Suzy.
"Gold of course!" replied John.
"Well" said
Suzy "Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change!"
STINKY FINGERS!!:hammer:
A man was sitting
on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the
window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that?
It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare
for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train!"
He carried on ripping off the shells,
throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little
sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the
incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop
that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman,
"I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and
threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out
laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!" To which the old woman gave him a wicked smile,
winked, and replied,
"And you'll get six to ten years when the police smell your fingers, you little
f#cker!!"
LITTLE JOHNNY’S WORK:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the
teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to
Susan, what would you have?" "An orgy!!!" Johnny answered.
FATHERS KNOW....:thumbsup:
Tommy goes into a
confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest says,
"Is that you Tommy?"
"Yes father, it is me."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you...
for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No, father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No, father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No, father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers
and four Hail Marys. Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?" Tommy
replies,
"I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys, and three damn good leads!!"
BLONDE?:drunk:
In a
biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young blonde raised her hand
and asked,
"If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the blonde
asked,
"Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing,
the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up
her books without a word and walked out of class...and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the
professor's reply was classic...Totally straight-faced he answered her question,
"It doesn't taste sweet
because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
A
NEIGHBOR’S STORY :rant:
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, "You are charged with beating your
wife to death with a hammer." Then a voice at the back of the court says,
"You bastard!"
The judge
continues, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer." Again the voice at the back of
the court says,
"You bastard!"
The judge says, "Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you
or I shall charge you with contempt, now what is the problem, Mister?" The man at the back of the court says,
"Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he didn’t have
one!"
WARNING: The following story is OH SO GROSSSSSSS, but tasty....not for the weak tummy kind.:smite:
A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a
stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman
smiling, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon. The husband sees this and liking the idea of his
new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and
refuses. The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on
the porch stark naked smiling, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's
refusal, the husband enquires of his wife,
"Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit
there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife again refuses. This continues each morning for two
weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband
would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last
morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife,
"Why don't you go over and ask that woman
what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over her pussy?"
The wife finally gives in, opens
the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch.
"What does it feel like
to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know,
replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."
-----------------------------------------------
Got any watermelon seeds I can borrow? :blink:
LIKE FATHER, LIKE
SON? NOT! :think:
There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left
to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine. A week later he returned from his trip
looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his father.
"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the
missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted,"
the boy replied.
"Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the university
he went.
A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?"
asked his son.
"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got
them all wrong but one."
"Gee, Dad. Which question was that?"
"The question was...," started the father,
"What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"
"That's easy", the son
replied. "The answer is pulse."
"Dammit!!," said the father," I got that one wrong as well."
AN OLYMPIAN
DOESN'T DO IT FOR HER :rant:
John came home from work one afternoon, and being horny as hell took his
beautiful girlfriend, Suzy, upstairs to the bedroom. He proceeded to undress her, but before he took his pants off,
he removed a packet of condoms from his pocket. "What are those?" Suzy asked.
"Olympic condoms" replied John.
"What makes them Olympic?" Suzy asked.
"There are three colors, gold, silver and bronze," said John.
"Which color are you planning to wear tonight?" asked Suzy.
"Gold of course!" replied John.
"Well" said
Suzy "Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change!"
STINKY FINGERS!!:hammer:
A man was sitting
on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the
window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that?
It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare
for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train!"
He carried on ripping off the shells,
throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little
sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the
incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop
that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman,
"I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and
threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out
laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!" To which the old woman gave him a wicked smile,
winked, and replied,
"And you'll get six to ten years when the police smell your fingers, you little
f#cker!!"
LITTLE JOHNNY’S WORK:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the
teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to
Susan, what would you have?" "An orgy!!!" Johnny answered.
FATHERS KNOW....:thumbsup:
Tommy goes into a
confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest says,
"Is that you Tommy?"
"Yes father, it is me."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you...
for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No, father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No, father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No, father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers
and four Hail Marys. Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?" Tommy
replies,
"I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys, and three damn good leads!!"
BLONDE?:drunk:
In a
biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young blonde raised her hand
and asked,
"If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the blonde
asked,
"Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing,
the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up
her books without a word and walked out of class...and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the
professor's reply was classic...Totally straight-faced he answered her question,
"It doesn't taste sweet
because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
A
NEIGHBOR’S STORY :rant:
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, "You are charged with beating your
wife to death with a hammer." Then a voice at the back of the court says,
"You bastard!"
The judge
continues, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer." Again the voice at the back of
the court says,
"You bastard!"
The judge says, "Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you
or I shall charge you with contempt, now what is the problem, Mister?" The man at the back of the court says,
"Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he didn’t have
one!"
WARNING: The following story is OH SO GROSSSSSSS, but tasty....not for the weak tummy kind.:smite:
A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a
stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman
smiling, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon. The husband sees this and liking the idea of his
new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and
refuses. The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on
the porch stark naked smiling, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's
refusal, the husband enquires of his wife,
"Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit
there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife again refuses. This continues each morning for two
weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband
would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last
morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife,
"Why don't you go over and ask that woman
what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over her pussy?"
The wife finally gives in, opens
the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch.
"What does it feel like
to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know,
replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."
-----------------------------------------------
Got any watermelon seeds I can borrow? :blink: