MOBLEYC57
08-16-2004, 09:52 PM
So you think
those pilots don't do crack, do ya!? :blink:
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747
makes when it hits a 727?"
================================================== ==========
From an unknown
aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f#cking bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft
transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f#cking bored, not f#cking
stupid!"
================================================== ==========
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've
always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
================================================== ==========
A student became lost during a solo
cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
================================================== ==========
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had
an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at
the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right
at the lights and return to the airport."
================================================== ==========
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter
was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that
had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
================================================== ==========
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly
stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger
asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
================================================== ==========
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance
in Munichoverheard the following: Lufthansa (in German):
"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground
(in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying
a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
================================================== ==========
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern
702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
================================================== =======
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by
the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and
taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a
cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for
another one."
================================================== ==========
The German air controllers at
Frankfurt Airportare renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am
747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206.
Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:
"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."
================================================== ==========
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the
crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An
irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed
crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this
out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about
half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US
Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency
fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you
once?"
You may now move about the country :wave:
those pilots don't do crack, do ya!? :blink:
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747
makes when it hits a 727?"
================================================== ==========
From an unknown
aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f#cking bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft
transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f#cking bored, not f#cking
stupid!"
================================================== ==========
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've
always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
================================================== ==========
A student became lost during a solo
cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
================================================== ==========
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had
an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at
the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right
at the lights and return to the airport."
================================================== ==========
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter
was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that
had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
================================================== ==========
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly
stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger
asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
================================================== ==========
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance
in Munichoverheard the following: Lufthansa (in German):
"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground
(in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying
a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
================================================== ==========
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern
702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
================================================== =======
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by
the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and
taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a
cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for
another one."
================================================== ==========
The German air controllers at
Frankfurt Airportare renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am
747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206.
Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:
"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."
================================================== ==========
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the
crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An
irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed
crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this
out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about
half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US
Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency
fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you
once?"
You may now move about the country :wave: