View Full Version : Jealousy
SweetBrenda
08-04-2004, 11:06 AM
Okay, let's
say you've found that you are jealous. It's not going to be easy, but what can you do to solve
it? I mean is there such thing as "solving it"??
for me this is a big
issue. I'm one of those people who are very jealous when I care and love someone. I
hate being this way. I guess part of it is that I feel insecure sometimes. Getting jealous over another
female
approaching the one I love drives me "insane" & I can't hardly hide it which is the
worse thing to do. When I mean approaching is not just a friendly hello! I mean a little more than that. I can tell
when a girl is flirting going that extra mile to be overly friendly. Perhaps eating at a restaurant & catch my lover
checking someone else out! I can get furious within seconds and walk away! come back and ready to get into a bad
argument. Sometimes by feeling jealous I see things more than what they really are... I've tried to control this
many times but when I think I have it under control omg something happens and it's all over. Very stupid I know.
But try to make me see it different at that moment. We all have eyes to check out things I do it too! but oh!! boy!
don't let me catch you because this is war! I don't get violent or anything of that magnitude ( thank
God 'cause I know some people that do )
I basically get upset/angry/cry and make wrong choices like "end a
relationship in a minute" say things I don't mean. Feel horrible afterwards but my pride stands on the way to
apologize. I don't like feeling threated by another female invading my territory. Is this
normal to feel this way? I really couldn't answer this since I don't know any different.. I wish there was a pill
I could just take every morning perhaps "anti-jealous"...*smiles* I don't know if I could ever over-come this. I
really wish I could. I know life will be better place for me without feeling jealous.
Once I
said I was never ever going to post something so personal about me.. But here it goes...
Let
me hear it.
koolking1
08-04-2004, 11:23 AM
I think you just took a
step in the right direction Brenda. I don't think we humans can entirely get rid of jealous feelings but we can
work to lessen them. The less jealous you become, the more your life will be better. Last night my girlfriend and
I had dinner with the woman upstairs from us. She's well-traveled as I am and we had a great time discussing
various places, airlines, etc.. My girlfriend is a highly accomplished woman but she's never really been anywhere
outside of business trips she takes for her company, all in the USA. She made a remark to me after we got home
about the woman upstairs and I really hitting it off and now she thinks that "Anne" loves me. This is completely
irrational. I reminded her of a time we spent with two other people in her line of work where I was pretty much not
able to contribute anything to the conversation and that I was damn good about it later, never complained one iota.
I find the less I worry about unimportant things the better I feel. I think it's a problem for everyone but
especially so for women.
Bruce
08-04-2004, 12:08 PM
It never goes away completely, but
it generally gets less and less as you grow older and wiser and come to a better understanding with your mate. I
used to be VERY jealous when I was young, but now at age 54, happily married with 2 kids and one more on the way, I
feel pretty secure. My wife is what you might call the loyal type too, which helps. We're both crazy about our
kids and would rather cut off a finger than mess up their environment, which is another incentive.
I wish I
could offer some kind of quick fix for you, Brenda, but I never found one myself. Maybe, steer clear of players,
would be a good idea. Some folks tend to stray more than others. Early on, my wife and I agreed that neither of us
would spend time alone with members of the oposite sex; no "he/she is just a 'good friend'" kind of thing. That
worked for us.
B
Pancho1188
08-04-2004, 12:34 PM
I'm not the jealous type
because all of my relationships are based on trust. I specifically state at the beginning of a relationship that
they can go have sex with whoever they want...just break up with me first. If you like someone else, then what are
you doing with me? That being said, I have so much trust in a person once that agreement has been set that she can
do whatever she wants. I had an ex sleep over a best friend/former crush's house, and I didn't even worry for a
minute. She saw me the next day, and I believe we had sex soon after...
...but that's just me. I've never had
a problem so far, and I've never been cheated on. I've spoken to my ex-gfs even after we broke up and there has
been nothing of the sort. I even talked to one who had just been cheated on and said, "I never cheated on you," and
the response was the same. Of course, I've always been with women who would have a nervous breakdown or something
if they actually did something so inherently wrong like that.
I admit to being very jealous of people I am
interested in that I can't have. That being said, I use the fact that they're with someone (I'm jealous of that
guy, right?) to rationalize not being interested in them anymore, and I move on my way and the jealousy fades. In
fact, so does the attraction sometimes.
I don't claim to be normal, however, and I'm sure not everyone can be
so objective and detached as I am to situations, feelings, etc.
SweetBrenda
08-04-2004, 01:07 PM
Guys seem to
have this subject more under control. So far what I have read it's pretty good. I only wish I could drill some of
this into my head. Maybe once I hit 50 yrs old I'll be more like Bruce (so there's hope for me )*grins*... In the
mean while I'm struggling. I had a couple of boyfriends who chated on me that was one of the worse feelings ever!
not only feeling hurt and humiliated also feeling less... Felling bitter ugly...Am i not pretty enough? was I not
good enough? is she better than me?..than the anger kicks in how dare he chated on me?! all those bad feelings sort
of made me be the person that I am now. Insecurity is hard to deal with. I always say I'm my worse enemy. Okay I
know I'm sounding depress here but I'm really not. I'm just sharing a little more with you all. I wish there was
some more girls in the forum..I'm sure there's someone out there that can totally relate to this.. I guess the
reason I'm talking about this is because I'm experiencing a case of jealousy at the moment and I'm having such a
hard time dealing with it. It will get better that much I know... (prays) ..*smiles*.. Thank you Guys for helping me
out here.. I do appreciate your comments and as well your
advice.
xoxoxox
Brenda
koolking1
08-04-2004, 01:20 PM
Brenda, there's quite a
bit in Pancho's post that makes much sense. What I try to do is trust the other person implicitly until they prove
me wrong. If you can do that, you are taking the high road. I realize there is a dilemna in that if you have a
boyfriend and another woman throws herself at him, he's liable to have sex with her - it's very difficult to turn
down especially if the other woman is attractive. This has nothing at all to do with you although it's hard not to
think it does. You might try Pancho's advice of letting the other person know early on in your relationship that
you don't care if they screw around, just make sure they break up with you first - it's a novel approach and may
work for you. Also, if I'm correct, didn't you once say that the idea of a 3-some might appeal to you? If so,
and another woman is hitting on your boyfriend in your presence, you could always say something like, "hmmm, this
is getting hot, why don't the 3 of us go someplace private". Well, if the other woman goes for it, yes, you are
kinda stuck but it's unlikely she will and she most likely will back off since she can no longer "compete" with you
and your boyfriend will likely become even more enchanted with you. I realize this could get complicated.
Holmes
08-04-2004, 01:25 PM
Jealousy has to do with
insecurity.
SweetBrenda
08-04-2004, 01:37 PM
KK I don't
think I could ever get involved in a 3some. As it is I want to make sure I am the only one. Once I did say
I'm bi-curious but this is a different story since I'm not trying to find out if I am or not. I simply admire the
beauty of a womans body. Although your advice sounds pretty tempting! one thing I do know and that is I couldn't
allow another girl in the same bed with my lover. I'm open minded but like I said this jealous issue is way to deep
and yes it could get even more complcated. In regards to Pancho,, trust me I like his mind a lot. I'm his biggest
fan in his Memoirs thread. He got some real good material there... So yea he does have some very good
points.
Hugs to you.
DAdams91982
08-04-2004, 01:45 PM
Ill tell you what... My
jealousy is a whole other level. My jealousy tends to make me a little more psycho (Not in a bad way)... but I just
do things that are uncalled for, and make silly accusations. And it always hurts the relationship I am in. I look
at it this way. By nature I am made a jealous person, and I will deal with it. Whoever is with me, if they love me
enough they will either deal with it... or work on it with me. Because I know that right now... I am not changing,
nor do I really want to... I like how I am.... it tends to keep me from getting hurt, but also keeps people at a
distance.
I dont know... just some rambling thoughts.
Adams
SweetBrenda
08-05-2004, 04:58 AM
Ill tell
you what... My jealousy is a whole other level. My jealousy tends to make me a little more psycho (Not in a bad
way)... but I just do things that are uncalled for, and make silly accusations. And it always hurts the relationship
I am in. I look at it this way. By nature I am made a jealous person, and I will deal with it. Whoever is with me,
if they love me enough they will either deal with it... or work on it with me. Because I know that right now... I
am not changing, nor do I really want to... I like how I am.... it tends to keep me from getting hurt, but also
keeps people at a distance.
I dont know... just some rambling thoughts.
AdamsWell Adams if you like
how you are than you should be alright. I guess is your defense from getting hurt like you said. But in my case I
really don't like how I am and willing to make a change..
Hugs to you.
DAdams91982
08-05-2004, 09:35 AM
Well
Adams if you like how you are than you should be alright. I guess is your defense from getting hurt like you said.
But in my case I really don't like how I am and willing to make a change..
Hugs to you.
You can do what
I do when I see it becoming a problem... Just dont care... I know it sounds hard... and trust me it is... Next time
you feel jealousy come on... walk it off and forget it... Because I have found that alot of time my girl tells me
things... kind of looking for me to get jealous, and when I dont... it blows her mind... and she dont know what to
do with it. Kinda funny.
hehehe... I found that alcohol helps :blink:
Adams
burgerama1960
08-05-2004, 05:30 PM
jealousy has to deal with
yourself. Trusting yourself in comparable situations is the key. Lets say you were approached by a very attractive
individual and they started to flirt with you, would you flirt back? Would you take it further if possible?Do you
enjoy the whole process of flirting? If the answer is yes to these questions then why would you get jealous if your
significant other does the same things. Because in your mind you would have probably would have taken it farther.
Not that there is anything wrong with a "little jealousy" there is something wrong if it turns ya into a monster.
a.k.a.
08-05-2004, 08:47 PM
SweetBrenda
Jealousy is no big
deal in itself. Powerful emotions are a vital part of our lives. If there was a pill that got rid of jealousy, we’d
be a little less than human.
Problems arise when powerful emotions get caught up in destructive patterns
of behavior. So the question isn’t “How do I get rid of jealousy?” but “Why do I let jealousy sabotage my
relationships.?”
There’s no way any of us could know the answer to this question. You could probably figure
it out yourself if you could get a detached perspective on the situation. Imagine, for example, that you’re in a
theater watching yourself play out a role in movie.
More often than not the aggression that comes out when you
fly into a jealous rage has been pent up during the quieter moments of a relationship. Jealousy tends to act as
trigger for releasing it.
Sometimes women resent the compromises they make in a relationship and use jealousy
as a release valve. Other times its more complex.
Sesshoumaru
08-08-2004, 04:40 PM
Matthew
5:28 - But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed
adultery with her already in his heart.
koolking1
08-09-2004, 04:50 AM
damn, am I ever in
trouble!!!
Sesshoumaru
08-09-2004, 05:34 PM
People just need to talk.
She should just tell him that it bothers her and ask him why he looks at every women he sees. Then he should say, "I
look at them and say: wow, I never new I would be lucky enough to have a girl as wonderful as the one I have now".
Thats the perfect man :box: lol.
SweetBrenda
08-10-2004, 05:00 PM
People
just need to talk. She should just tell him that it bothers her and ask him why he looks at every women he sees.
Then he should say, "I look at them and say: wow, I never new I would be lucky enough to have a girl as wonderful
as the one I have now".
Thats the perfect man :box: lol.Hey! that was a good line there! you're a
smooth talker i see...:thumbsup:
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