View Full Version : The August Files

08-01-2004, 06:34 AM
:rofl: :rofl:HI,

HELLO, HEY, HIYA, & HOWDY! Tis August...such a good month!:rofl: :rofl:


husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look

at herself. "You know dear", she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my

boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging down a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all

flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He

studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong

with your eyesight, darling." R.I.P. Dummy! Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St.

Anselm's Memorial Chapel.


A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They

are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar,

but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another

drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink." The others agree that sounds like a good place. Then the

Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nica bar, but where I come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place,

Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you

anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where

Oi come from in Oirland, dere's dis Place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you

your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid real good!!!"

"Wow," say the other two. "That's fantastic!!!! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Irish guy, "but

it happened to me sister."


Two women had been having a friendly

lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her

friend. That's amazing!", Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said

Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please

tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out,

Linda?" "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor

said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of

grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every

grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I

had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!" With that endorsement, Mary

talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the

doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor",

Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please,

can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK", the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to

stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."


The pope

had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was

brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out

and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the

testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was

not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and

explained the situation. After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree but under four conditions." The cardinals

were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what

are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind,

so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she

is having sex. "And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can

tell no one." After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?" The pope smiled and

replied, "She gotta have big tits!!"


The kindergarten class had a homework

assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the

little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon

little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnny walked up

to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked

him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting

about a period." "Damned if I know!," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had

a heart attack, Mummy fainted, and the man next door shot himself!!"
A young man moved into a

new apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out

of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a

conversation with him. As they talked her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The

poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes she placed her hand on his arm and

said "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming". He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and

leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now totally nude, she purred at him "What would you say

is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears". Astounded and a

little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and l00% natural. I work out every day. My

butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin, no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is

my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was me."


A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he

received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had

been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back. So the Marine did what any

squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could

find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following

note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."



A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "I need six double

vodkas, fast!!"

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day!!"

"Yes, I've just found out

my older brother is f#cking gay!"

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back,

"I've just found out that my

younger brother is gay too!!"

On the third day the guy came running into the bar and with tears in his eyes,

ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

With tears running down his face, he says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"

Always hoping your Sunday moment with

Mobley & ya August, is the best you ever had! And remember....when the bugs get tuff with you...Dammit! Get tuff

with the bugs!! :wave: