MOBLEYC57
07-24-2004, 08:50 AM
:type:
.................................................. ......
MEN DO LISTEN :frustrate
A very old couple
who have been married forever are sitting on the porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks
her husband, knocking his as$ off the porch and into the bushes. He crawls back up and asks, "What the hell was that
for!!!!?" She says, "For having a little pecker!!" He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks the sh!t out of her,
sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes. She crawls back and says, "What the fu#k was that
for!!!!?" He says, "For knowing there was more than one size!"
I LOVE
COUNTRY! :whip:
A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after
classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying
face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.
Figuring that
this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road
again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the
anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at
this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On
the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies,
obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?"
asked the student.
"Are you f#cking kidding me!?", replied the examiner, "Any as$hole can sing country music!!"
THE PRESIDENT'S DECISION :cheers:
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in
and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the
guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning
WW III ". And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with
big tits?" Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
FIXING THE RECEPTIONIST PROBLEM :POKE:
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists
you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the
way one old guy handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk,
the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" There's something wrong with my dick,"
he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things
like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've
obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited
several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" There's something wrong with
my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is
wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
PROZAC....A DOG’S TALE :drunk:
Three Labrador Retrievers - 1 brown, 1 yellow and 1 black - were
sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and
said, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes,
the cat, the kids, but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab
asked, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets
are prescribing it. It works for everything." The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you
here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of
it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the
dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet's office?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants,
whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down
to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself." The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So,
Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "Oh hell no, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
TWUE WUV? :kiss:
Dave
returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six
hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make
love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love. Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had
only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I
die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his
head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake
her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen
dammit!! I have to get up in the morning! You don't!!!"
GETTING A
SPERM COUNT :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
An elderly man went to the
doctor's office to have a sperm count done. When the doctor called him in to the office and asked the man how he
could help, he replied that he would like to have his sperm count checked. The doctor asked if he was planning
another family, and the old guy says, "No, I am 73 and my wife is 67, I just want a sperm count done." So the doctor
gives the man a vial and tells him to take it home and when he gets a sample, to bring it in to the office. The next
day, the doctor sees the same man in the waiting room, and calls him in to the office. "Do you have a sample for me
already?" the doctor asks. "No I don't", replies the old man. "I tried with my left hand, and nothing, then I tried
my right hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife to help and she used her left hand, her right hand, nothing
worked. She even took out her teeth and used her gums. We just couldn't get the lid off that f#cking bottle!
HOPING YOUR
SATURDAY...STROKES...YOUR...EGO! :run:
.................................................. ......
MEN DO LISTEN :frustrate
A very old couple
who have been married forever are sitting on the porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks
her husband, knocking his as$ off the porch and into the bushes. He crawls back up and asks, "What the hell was that
for!!!!?" She says, "For having a little pecker!!" He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks the sh!t out of her,
sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes. She crawls back and says, "What the fu#k was that
for!!!!?" He says, "For knowing there was more than one size!"
I LOVE
COUNTRY! :whip:
A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after
classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying
face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.
Figuring that
this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road
again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the
anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at
this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On
the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."
"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies,
obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?"
asked the student.
"Are you f#cking kidding me!?", replied the examiner, "Any as$hole can sing country music!!"
THE PRESIDENT'S DECISION :cheers:
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in
and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the
guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning
WW III ". And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with
big tits?" Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
FIXING THE RECEPTIONIST PROBLEM :POKE:
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists
you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the
way one old guy handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk,
the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" There's something wrong with my dick,"
he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things
like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've
obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited
several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" There's something wrong with
my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is
wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
PROZAC....A DOG’S TALE :drunk:
Three Labrador Retrievers - 1 brown, 1 yellow and 1 black - were
sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and
said, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes,
the cat, the kids, but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab
asked, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets
are prescribing it. It works for everything." The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you
here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of
it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the
dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet's office?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants,
whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down
to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself." The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So,
Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "Oh hell no, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
TWUE WUV? :kiss:
Dave
returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six
hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make
love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love. Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had
only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I
die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his
head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake
her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen
dammit!! I have to get up in the morning! You don't!!!"
GETTING A
SPERM COUNT :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
An elderly man went to the
doctor's office to have a sperm count done. When the doctor called him in to the office and asked the man how he
could help, he replied that he would like to have his sperm count checked. The doctor asked if he was planning
another family, and the old guy says, "No, I am 73 and my wife is 67, I just want a sperm count done." So the doctor
gives the man a vial and tells him to take it home and when he gets a sample, to bring it in to the office. The next
day, the doctor sees the same man in the waiting room, and calls him in to the office. "Do you have a sample for me
already?" the doctor asks. "No I don't", replies the old man. "I tried with my left hand, and nothing, then I tried
my right hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife to help and she used her left hand, her right hand, nothing
worked. She even took out her teeth and used her gums. We just couldn't get the lid off that f#cking bottle!
HOPING YOUR
SATURDAY...STROKES...YOUR...EGO! :run: