MOBLEYC57
05-23-2004, 04:40 AM
WHAT WOMEN
WANT
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She
takes off her pants and her panties. He looks between her legs, and he says, \"What\'s that?\" She says,
\"It\'s me lower mouth.\" He says, \"What do you mean, \'your lower mouth?\'\" She says, \"Just what I
said, it\'s me lower mouth. It\'s got a moustache... It\'s got lips...\" He asks, \"Has it got a tongue in
it?\" She says, \"Not yet.\"
LITTLE JOHNNY DESERVES AN \"A\"
During a Biology class, the teacher asked
the class, \"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?\" Little Johnny raised his hand
and replied, \"That\'s because guys have balls and that weighs them down.\" The teacher, a bit annoyed,
responded, \"Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?\" Little Johnny countered by
saying, \"That\'s because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy\'s balls.\"
GOTTA WATCH
THOSE NUNS
A Nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood Cowboy bar. The place was
hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would
go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the Nun, the room went dead silent. She
walked up to the bartender, and asked, \"May I please use the restroom?\" The bartender replied, \"I really
don\'t think you should.\" \"Why not?\" the Nun asked. \"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and
his most private part is about 12 inches long, and is covered only by a fig leaf.\" \"Nonsense\", said the Nun,
\"I\'ll just look the other way.\" So the bartender showed the Nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she
proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and
dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the
bartender and said, \"Sir, I don\'t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the
restroom?\" \"Well, now they know you\'re one of us,\" said the bartender, \"would you like a drink?\"
\"But, I still don\'t understand, \"said the puzzled Nun. \"You see\", laughed the bartender, \"every time
the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place...Now, how about that drink?\"
BEAUTY’S NOT EVERYTHING
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table,
he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most
expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night. The
waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She
looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: \"For me to
accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your
pants.\" The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: \"Just so you will know, I happen
to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million
dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the
wine back.\"
THE TUFFEST HOOKER IN THE WORLD
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came
down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. \"I\'m lookin\' for the meanest, toughest
and roughest hooker in the Yukon,\" he said to the bartender. \"We got her\" replied the bartender. \"She\'s
upstairs in the second room on the right.\" The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and
two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and
yelled, \"I\'m looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon.\" The woman inside the room
looked at the miner and said, \"You found her!\" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. \"How
do you know I want that position first!!?\" asked the miner. \"I don\'t,\" replied the hooker, \"but I thought
you might want to open those beers first.\"
THAT DAMN MAILMAN!!!
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the
neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway,
his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. \"Wow Bob,
looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night.\" The Mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies,\"
Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.\" We had
about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Holiday cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got
so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.\" The Mailman thinks a moment and says, \"How do you
play that?\" Bob continues between hung over gasps,\"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a
time with a sheet covering us and only our \"units\" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to
guess who it is.\" The Mailman laughs and says,\" Damn! I\'m sorry I missed that!!\" \"Probably a good thing
you did,\" Bob responds,\" your name was guessed at least five or six times, from fix or six different
wives.\"
FOR THE JELQUING PROs
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a
mans\' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded
that the reason the head of a man\'s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure
during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They
were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in
excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man\'s penis is larger than the shaft to
provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia
decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three
hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 (3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They
concluded that the reason the head on a man\'s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent the man’s hand from
flying off and hitting himself in the eye or forehead!
SUPERMAN?
Morris an 80 year old man is having his
annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he\'s feeling. \"I\'ve never been better,\" he replies. \"I\'ve got
a twenty two year old bride who\'s pregnant with my child! . . .What do you think about that?\" The doctor
considers this for a moment, then says, \"Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who\'s an avid hunter. He
never misses a season. But, one day he\'s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of
his gun. So he\'s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some bush in front of him. He
raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle... *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of
him.\" \"That\'s impossible!\" said the old man in disbelief, \"Someone else must have shot that beaver.\"
\"EXACTLY!\" said the doctor.
ALCOHOL RELATED
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his
birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After they were both totally bombed, he
started groping the old lady and pulling at her cloths. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped
him. She said, \"I can\'t do this, I have acute angina\". The drunken old guy says \"God, I hope so, you\'ve
got the ugliest tits I\'ve ever seen in my whole entire life!!\"
CALL IN SICK
Kung Chow called his boss and
said: \"Hey boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I no come work.\"
The boss says: \"Kung Chow I really need you here today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to
give me sex. That makes me feel better, and then I can go to work. You should try that.\" Two hours later Kung Chow
calls again, \"Boss, I do what say you and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got very nice house.\"
ANIMAL
DELITE (TOO MUCH NPA!)
When Van was just a youngster, he went to the chemist and asked the pharmacist, \"Sir,
can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?\" The chemist replied, \"Son, do you know what condoms are used
for?\" \"Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases.\" The chemist was impressed. \"That\'s right,
son. Do you know what the ribs are for?\" Van paused and then answered, \"Well, not really, but they sure do make
the hair on my goat\'s back stand up!\"
-----------------------------------------------------
BLONDE
TALES
The voluptuous blonde entered the dentist\'s office in an obvious state of agitation. She sat down in the
chair and fidgeted nervously as the dentist prepared his utensils. \"Oh, doctor,\" she exclaimed, as he prepared
to look into her mouth, \"I\'m so afraid of dentists. Why, I think I\'d rather have a baby than have a tooth
drilled.\" \"Well, miss,\" said the dentist, \"better make up your mind before I adjust the chair.\"
A
married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said, \"How should I know, that\'s 200 miles from here!\" and hung up. The husband
said, \"Who was that?\" The wife said, \"I don\'t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.\"
------------------------------------------------------
WE ALL HAVE....ROUGH DAYS
It\'s been a rough day.
I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I\'m so afraid to go to the bathroom.
HOPE THAT WAS A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE!
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif
Gotta spoon I can borrow!?
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif
WANT
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She
takes off her pants and her panties. He looks between her legs, and he says, \"What\'s that?\" She says,
\"It\'s me lower mouth.\" He says, \"What do you mean, \'your lower mouth?\'\" She says, \"Just what I
said, it\'s me lower mouth. It\'s got a moustache... It\'s got lips...\" He asks, \"Has it got a tongue in
it?\" She says, \"Not yet.\"
LITTLE JOHNNY DESERVES AN \"A\"
During a Biology class, the teacher asked
the class, \"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?\" Little Johnny raised his hand
and replied, \"That\'s because guys have balls and that weighs them down.\" The teacher, a bit annoyed,
responded, \"Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?\" Little Johnny countered by
saying, \"That\'s because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy\'s balls.\"
GOTTA WATCH
THOSE NUNS
A Nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood Cowboy bar. The place was
hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would
go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the Nun, the room went dead silent. She
walked up to the bartender, and asked, \"May I please use the restroom?\" The bartender replied, \"I really
don\'t think you should.\" \"Why not?\" the Nun asked. \"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and
his most private part is about 12 inches long, and is covered only by a fig leaf.\" \"Nonsense\", said the Nun,
\"I\'ll just look the other way.\" So the bartender showed the Nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she
proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and
dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the
bartender and said, \"Sir, I don\'t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the
restroom?\" \"Well, now they know you\'re one of us,\" said the bartender, \"would you like a drink?\"
\"But, I still don\'t understand, \"said the puzzled Nun. \"You see\", laughed the bartender, \"every time
the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place...Now, how about that drink?\"
BEAUTY’S NOT EVERYTHING
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table,
he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most
expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night. The
waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She
looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: \"For me to
accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your
pants.\" The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: \"Just so you will know, I happen
to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million
dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the
wine back.\"
THE TUFFEST HOOKER IN THE WORLD
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came
down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. \"I\'m lookin\' for the meanest, toughest
and roughest hooker in the Yukon,\" he said to the bartender. \"We got her\" replied the bartender. \"She\'s
upstairs in the second room on the right.\" The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and
two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and
yelled, \"I\'m looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon.\" The woman inside the room
looked at the miner and said, \"You found her!\" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. \"How
do you know I want that position first!!?\" asked the miner. \"I don\'t,\" replied the hooker, \"but I thought
you might want to open those beers first.\"
THAT DAMN MAILMAN!!!
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the
neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway,
his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. \"Wow Bob,
looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night.\" The Mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies,\"
Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.\" We had
about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Holiday cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got
so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.\" The Mailman thinks a moment and says, \"How do you
play that?\" Bob continues between hung over gasps,\"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a
time with a sheet covering us and only our \"units\" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to
guess who it is.\" The Mailman laughs and says,\" Damn! I\'m sorry I missed that!!\" \"Probably a good thing
you did,\" Bob responds,\" your name was guessed at least five or six times, from fix or six different
wives.\"
FOR THE JELQUING PROs
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a
mans\' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded
that the reason the head of a man\'s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure
during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They
were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in
excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man\'s penis is larger than the shaft to
provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia
decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three
hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 (3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They
concluded that the reason the head on a man\'s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent the man’s hand from
flying off and hitting himself in the eye or forehead!
SUPERMAN?
Morris an 80 year old man is having his
annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he\'s feeling. \"I\'ve never been better,\" he replies. \"I\'ve got
a twenty two year old bride who\'s pregnant with my child! . . .What do you think about that?\" The doctor
considers this for a moment, then says, \"Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who\'s an avid hunter. He
never misses a season. But, one day he\'s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of
his gun. So he\'s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some bush in front of him. He
raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle... *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of
him.\" \"That\'s impossible!\" said the old man in disbelief, \"Someone else must have shot that beaver.\"
\"EXACTLY!\" said the doctor.
ALCOHOL RELATED
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his
birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After they were both totally bombed, he
started groping the old lady and pulling at her cloths. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped
him. She said, \"I can\'t do this, I have acute angina\". The drunken old guy says \"God, I hope so, you\'ve
got the ugliest tits I\'ve ever seen in my whole entire life!!\"
CALL IN SICK
Kung Chow called his boss and
said: \"Hey boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I no come work.\"
The boss says: \"Kung Chow I really need you here today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to
give me sex. That makes me feel better, and then I can go to work. You should try that.\" Two hours later Kung Chow
calls again, \"Boss, I do what say you and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got very nice house.\"
ANIMAL
DELITE (TOO MUCH NPA!)
When Van was just a youngster, he went to the chemist and asked the pharmacist, \"Sir,
can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?\" The chemist replied, \"Son, do you know what condoms are used
for?\" \"Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases.\" The chemist was impressed. \"That\'s right,
son. Do you know what the ribs are for?\" Van paused and then answered, \"Well, not really, but they sure do make
the hair on my goat\'s back stand up!\"
-----------------------------------------------------
BLONDE
TALES
The voluptuous blonde entered the dentist\'s office in an obvious state of agitation. She sat down in the
chair and fidgeted nervously as the dentist prepared his utensils. \"Oh, doctor,\" she exclaimed, as he prepared
to look into her mouth, \"I\'m so afraid of dentists. Why, I think I\'d rather have a baby than have a tooth
drilled.\" \"Well, miss,\" said the dentist, \"better make up your mind before I adjust the chair.\"
A
married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said, \"How should I know, that\'s 200 miles from here!\" and hung up. The husband
said, \"Who was that?\" The wife said, \"I don\'t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.\"
------------------------------------------------------
WE ALL HAVE....ROUGH DAYS
It\'s been a rough day.
I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I\'m so afraid to go to the bathroom.
HOPE THAT WAS A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE!
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif
Gotta spoon I can borrow!?
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif